OLD PHOTOS

I should have known what would happen. I knew it, but hoped it would not be as strong.....alas.....it was. I am refering to the old class photographs of when I went to the Immigration Officers Academy. There were 2 different photos taken. One was done in khaki shirts about halfway through the course...and the other was done at graduation, in our dress blue uniforms.

I had not been able to find the copies I had for well over a year....they were stored in my cousin's office...and he came across them just this week. I am trying to improve their quality on my MS Digital Image Suite software. But....I knew it would happen. As I looked upon them...there she was. Just as pretty and radiant as ever. It was like I was instantly transported back in time....to when those photos were taken. It seems like it was only yesterday. Wow...where has the time gone anyway? The first photo...I think it is the best. This was taken before the huge mess got out of control. So there I am...standing with a stoic look and there she is, right behind me with a beautiful smile. How can I forget that. We were so close..as to be cuaght in that pose for all time. It is too bad that it was such a short happy time. I thought that I would spend the rest of my life with her.

Then in marked contrast...was the second photo...of us in our dress uniforms.
I am nearly in the same position as before, but she is now on the other side of the group. She still looks as beautiful and radiant...but underneath...a world of tension, hurt and sorrow resided for us both. And just to think, that moments before that photo was taken...we had looked into each others eyes for what seemed like an eternity. I will always remember that moment. It is burned forever in my soul. These 2 photographs mean the world to me. It was when I was still somebody...I had a career...a beautiful girl I loved...and life was still good to me. It was before my fall...my disgrace and my dishonor.

More than anything...I wish I could go back into time before the disaster...and make the wrong things right. Only in my dreams will this be. Life has very few "do-overs". Still...as long as I have a breath to draw and blood to pump...my heart will not surrender completely the dreams I once held.
Seeing her once again...brings back the memories of old. I think of what has transpired for her the last 13 years. I guess she probably got married and moved on. Too bad I couldn't do the same thing. For me...I am still stuck in the past...beating a dead horse...tilting at windmills...and dreaming my life away. I still burn that flame of love as if it were just lit. I look at her in those old photographs...and I know why I loved her to begin with. Why I still do.
It makes no sense...but then again...matters of the heart never make sense.
Some people never get over a true love...I guess that will be me.
A wondering soul lost in the lucid void of time and space. At least I can set my eyes upon her in those photographs...my memories...my life...my past, present and future. Sigh......

Thrift Store Finds

Every now and then...I get lucky and find something good at the local thrift stores here in Long Beach. Well, last night was one of those times. I was going through the local Salvation Army when I saw 2...what appeared to be framed pictures in a basket. Upon closer inspection...I discovered that there were actually 2 hand drawn cartoon illustrations done in pencil. I really couldn't make out the signatures...and there was no date on either.

I paid the princely sum of $10 for the both of them and headed home. I examined them further and noticed both were professionally mounted and framed with matting and that both had same gallery sticker on the back.
The first drawing was of a cartoonish stork with a long neck and a small frog sitting on his bill. The words "Every problem can be looked in the eye" were written off to the right. I examined the signature closely and it appeared to say, Thurmen. I could find nothing under this name of the web.

The next drawing was larger and a panel showing a small, but happy bear, finding a small airplane...and eventually flying it. It consisted of 4 separate bear drawings within that panel. Written off to the right was the words "for the boys". And under his signature was written "flight to Finland". I studied this signature for some time when it finally dawned on me what it was. I punched in the name on Google...and bingo! I found a ton of information on this artist.

His name is Phil Mendez, and I discovered that he was the first black man to be hired for Disney Animation Studios back in 1969. He also worked for many years at Hanna-Barbera and had his own company. He is quite famous. I searched the web for some examples of his work and soon found some. The signatures were the same...so I knew these were from him. I did some more checking and discovered that he had an active email address. I wrote him about the drawings last night. Low and behold...today I get an email from him and he remembered both drawings and of whom they were given to. That's the provenence I was looking for...verification that they were authentic.

One of my best finds yet. Mr. Mendez has done work on a number of animated films over the years...Disney's animated Robin Hood, The secret of NIMH 2, and Clifford the Big Red Dog movie...to name a few. Each work is probably worth several hundred dollars at least...not a bad return on 10 bucks!

A happy Easter indeed.

Easter

In a few days, Easter will be upon us. What will I be doing...likely going to church, then to my cousin's for his birthday. For anyone who is even a little religious, then some introspection of your life should be in order on that day. I know it will be for me. Of course...every day is self evaluation for me. But when the elements of religion are introduced in the evaluation process...things tend to be more clouded. Blind faith is expected to shape your life and values more than other factors.

For me...I am having an exceedingly difficult time in retaining that blind faith of which I am expected to hold. It is not merely a question of my existence...but also a question of the existence of supernatural beings controlling events in my life. By supernatural beings...I am referring to a supreme deity. Obviously, this being would not hail from planet Earth...since it was alleged to have been created by that same being. Therefore...the moniker of "supernatural" fits the description of my thoughts.

My doubts are particularly accute when I see what path my life has taken the last 45 years. Not a rosy one that I would have wished for. It is not unlike speaking into a dark empty void...with never a response to hear. No matter how many times I have prayed, begged, pleaded or asked...the supreme deity has yet to respond in ways that improve the lives of others, or myself. Is it pointless to continue this charade? Maybe...maybe not. I cannot tell as I am only a simple human...one without the understanding that an everliving deity would have. I guess I would not be alone though...for was it not Christ himself who questioned God when he was bound to the cross. Was it not Christ who asked why God he had abandoned him? With this in mind, I cannot even begin to grasp any plan that the supreme deity would have for me...as all I have seen for most of my life is repeated disappointment, rejection and heartache. In a small way...I guess these things are my cross to bear...mu burdens. For what end...I have no way of telling.

So it is that those of whom I beg forgiveness will remember this Easter time; to look into thenselves...and evaluate what matters the most to them. I cannot force anyone to offer forgiveness, or friendship...it is something that must come from heart of those persons alone. I can only extend the olive branch of peace...and hope that they can find it in themselves to respond in kind. I know that in my heart...the supreme being has given to me the chance to make amends for the wrongs that I have done. The feelings that I have hurt. The hearts that I have broken. The lies that I have told. The anger that I have held and the regret that I have hidden.

Apologies without meaning are useless. So it is that my apologies come from my deepest regions...my soul and heart. I know and understand what transgressions I have commited and seek to right the wrongs of the past. It is my atonement exemplified in the resurrection and forgiveness of Christ this Easter day. As I contemplate my successes and failures this Sunday...I hope that all of you do to. I wish to all a happy Easter.

An Attempt at Photo Restoration

Well, I am about to undertake one of my more difficult challenges. I am going to try and ressurrect photocopies of my INS class graduation photos. Unfortunately the originals were lost...locked inside the truck that was stolen back in 1993. I was able to talk one of my former classmates from LA in copying his 2 photographs. Not the best copy job...but I believe I can fix them enough to look like the originals using my Microsoft Digital Imaging Suite. I am about to scan them in...I'll let you know how it turns out. If they look good, I'll post one on my site.

La Frontera

The Border. That 2,100 mile line that separates the US from Mexico. Each and every day there seems to be some story about the pace of illegal immigration into this country. We are continually bombarded with statistics and numbers from both sides of this debate. Where does the real truth lie? We may never know....but I suspect it is somewhere in the middle of the two camps. If you have ever been there....you would see 2 stark realities....2 different worlds.

One world of wealth, one of abject poverty. The clash of ideologies and cultures. I have been to a number of the border cities over the years and it never ceases to amaze me the contrasts that exist.
Take El Paso, Texas for example. A medium sized city full of bustle and a developed city center. It looks to be your typical American city. But, walk across the border into Ciudad Juarez....and you are hit with the third world. One can stand on the US side of the Rio Bravo del Norte...as it is called in Mexico.....and gaze across to see the huge shanty town lining the banks of that river. Thousands of slapped together domiciles that are squeezed together like sardines. If that were not enough....you can watch children play in the dirty, polluted and toxic water flowing in that river. Indeed....2 worlds collide.....rival nations.

Not that I blame people for wanting to escape to the US to live and work.....but by the same token......there has to be limits to what we are willing to take in. In one of the latestest studies by the PEW Institute......there are estimated to be 11 million illegal aliens living in the US. Of those, 6 million are deemed to be from Mexico. Those people send aprroxomately 15 billion dollars back to their home country every year. Remember....this is money that is taken out of the US economy. By Mexico's own admission, the second highest income generator for Mexico....after tourism, is the money sent back by it's citizens living abroad. Most of this income is generated in the US.

The Border Patrol estimates that they only intercept 1 of every 2 illegal border crossers. The average number of arrests by the Border Patrol and CBP officers is around 1 million people per year.
Using their own statistics....an average of 2 million people a year enter the US illegally to live and work. At some time someone is going to have to step up to the plate and do something. Right now the hottest crossing places are between Douglas and Naco, Arizona. So as you would guess....the Border patrol has extra agencts assigned there. Still not enough to handle the thousands of people who make the crossing each day. What is the answer....short of annexing Mexico as a US territory? Well....definately the meaures we are now taking are no deterrent to this growing problem. It is an invasion.....an economic and social one....but an invasion none the less.

I hate to be harsh....but the US has to do something about it soon. I would hate to think of the public unrest and possible civil war that would likely result. What is the answer.....I just don't know. It is clear though that lack of action will only worsen the problem. It is similar to the blind eye Europe took of Hitler in the 30s. Had they acted when they should have.....instead of using the appeasement policies.....WW2 may have been prevented. That war cost Russia 20 million casualties alone. No where is the changing demographics more apparent than in Los Angeles. Within less than 15 years....the latino population has become the dominate majority. It is factored that by the year 2025...at the latest...all of California will have those same statistics. Just take a trip to most any public school in Los Angeles and Long Beach....and see what the ethinic makeup of the students are now. Statistics don't lie.

I guess since Mexico could not retain the Southwest in the war of 1848....they would reclaim it through demographics. It seems to be working very well. I know that many Mexicans feel that the southwest was "stolen" from them. But the reality remains...war is a part of human nature....and as have all winners of wars throughout history....to the victor goes the spoils. In fact....the US paid Mexico millions of dollars for the Gadsen purchase.

I suppose what I find most contradictory.....is how Mexico views the US. Often we are portrayed as an oppressive imperial power whose sole purpose is to make weaker nations bow down before its' might. You can really see this anytime Mexico plays the US in soccer. In LA....such games are flooded with Mexican pride as banners fly....and as the audience shouts anti-US slogans, or throws trash and spits on US players. You would think you were right in the middle of Mexico City....not LA.

I really love it when Mexico demands that the US stay out of its' internal affairs. Too ban they don't practice what they preach...as they are constantly trying to meddle in the internal affairs of the US. Their government tacitly exports milllions of illegal workers into the US to gain a valuable source of income. Just this last year alone....2 government sanctioned publications were printed explaining to would be "migrants" the best and safest ways to cross illegally into the US. If this isn't getting involved in the internal affairs of the US....I don't know what is.

Here is another kicker. Remember Prposition 187 in California? That proposition denying social services to illegals. Though it was supported by an overwhelming percentage of California residents....it was stopped cold by the federal courts. If you will also remember, our wannabe future LA Mayor, Antonio Villaraigosa, was standing shoulder to shoulder with Vicente Fox in Mexico City; as together they crowed about defeating prop 187. It really does make me wonder where Villaraigosa's loyalties lie. Whose side will he take if he becomes the next mayor of LA?

Yes...Mexico needs to practice what it preaches. And I am not even going to get into the criminal illegal aliens here...and of MS13 or Mara Salvatrucha. This hardcore gang of thugs now sweeping across much of the US. Nearly all are illegal immigrants. True, most of the members are not Mexican....but they use the same border to cross into the US...so Mexico is just as involved as we are.

If it were up to me....the immigration problem would be pushed to the forefront of our worries in this country. Not having Congress waste time getting involved in the Terri Shiavo case, or grilling baseball players about steriod use. Where the hell are our priorities at anyway and why do our politicians continue to ignore the will of most Americans to stop the flow? And people wonder why and how civil wars are started. Our government can start being more reponsive to this problem by quit being so damn "politically correct"! And the politicians need to stop pandering for latino votes no matter what the cost. Remember the Citizenship 2000 program used by Clinton.....what a fiasco. Where will it all end?

Pictures coming soon......I hope.

Since it is going to be awhile before I write more of Episode 2 of my saga....I am going to try and get some pics up in the near future. That should make things a little more intriguing. I have some great pics and other cool stuff that just might be of interest.

What More Can I Do?

That is the question that I would like to ask of all who have been my aquaintences over the years. Does anyone out there in cyberspace know who I am? I would assume that a few know who I am and have read this blog. News travels fast on the web. I am just curious as to whom may have visited my humble site. I am honored by those people that have stopped and took the time to read my stories and poetry. It makes my days much better knowing that at least a few souls have at least a passing interest in my works.

As you have guessed by now...I am not shy on this board and do not mind sharing my thoughts and emotions. I find that interaction....even if it is one sided.....is better than saying nothing at all. I expect any visitors to please not be shy either. If you have complaints of my beliefs....please state so. If you think I am full of bullshit.....let me have it. It is only with interaction of the audience, can I get a true bearing the effectiveness of my words to draw emotion.

There is one visitor I want to thank in particular for spending so much time reading my blog. Of course....I do not know who it is, but whoever it is.....they seem to find my material interesting.
I appreciate your interest in my words, thoughts and feelings. I hope that what I write has some meaning for you. I will try and keep you interested as much as possible. If there is something that you think may help my blog....ideas, questions or just curiosity.....by all means please tell me. I am always open to suggestions. My postings have a comments section at the end of each....and you need not sign up to post. Any comments would be very appreciated.

Again....I want to thank all who stop by my sparse blog....and take their valuable time to read it.

The Treasure of Glynn County

This story happened when I was back at the Federal Law Enforcement Training Center in Glynco, Georgia. The year....1992.
The place.....the deep old back woods of rural Glynn County.
The mission.....to find civil war relics.

Here's what happened. I had brought my Whites 6000DI metal detector with me to the traing course for the purpose of looking for old civil war relics. Since we usually did not have training on weekends.....I would jump in my truck and head out to parts unknown to do my searching. One day, while at a samll general store about 10 miles away......I asked one of the older local resident's if they knew where there could be any good places to look for old war relics. Not expecting much help because of my "yankee" accent....I was surprised when this person told me where to go.

I was directed about 5 miles up a little used country road....where I had to look for old growth oak trees. I did as directed and then I saw it. Hardly visible.....but there it was. A small path leading off the road and deep into the oak forest. I parked my truck, grabbed my gear and headed on that narrow pathway. Besides my metal detector, I had several small digging tools.

About a mile into the woods, I started to see remains and foundations long since used. The old trees were huge and grotesquely shaped.....with long strands of spanish moss draped over their limbs. I checked around the old ruins and recovered several bottles, metal objects and a button. It was then that I noticed it.....maybe 50 yards away. It was a very old and weathered oak tree. I saw that it had been burned long ago in some fire....but was still clinging to life. I approached it with trepidation.....as the noises about me seemed to harken some long lost spirits of times past. I looked on the other side of the tree and at the base.....was an opening in the trunk. It looked as if it had been hollowed out for decades....if not longer. The opening was maybe 5 inches wide at base. Inside I could see that there was a circular space maybe 3 feet across.

I then took the head of my metal detector and worked it through the small opening. Sure enough....I received a good strong signal. The taget area was about 2 feet by 2 feet. Each time I passed the coil over that spot....it souded off loud and clear. Something was definately buried in there. I could not get my shovel in there to dig it up.....whatever it was. But as I struggled to get in there....thoughts were racing about my head. Was it money, guns, ill gotten booty.....or maybe confederate gold!

I worked at the trunk of that tree for several hours.....using my small shovel to try and chip the bark away. Unfortunately....this was an old hardwood tree and the bark would not yield. I struggled and worked.....but still to no avail. The dirt inside the tree trunk was extremely hard and compacted....and was virtually impossible to move with what scant tools I had. I was going crazy to find out what it was. But it started to get late and I heard twigs snapping off in the distance. My clue to get going while I could....as that tune from "Deliverence" played in my mind. By the time I got back to the truck....it was almost dark. Just in time....because I didn't have a flashlight and probably would have gotten lost. And those dueling banjos played even louder in my mind.

I went back once more before the training had ended....but could not find the same tree with it's hidden secrets. To this day....I often wonder what was buried in the middle of that old oak tree. I can just imagine the treasure it held.....so close to being mine....but still unattainable. I am sure it is still out in the middle of those old Georgia woods.....keeping its secrets safe from prying eyes like mine. What I wouldn't have given for a good chain saw back then.

Today's Ramblings

Not much for news today. I am at my cousin's office sitting at my real computer....not that old antique "dinosaur" I have at home. Boy what a difference an upgraded processor and memory can make. It is like night and day.

I usually wright my stories and musings on the good computer....as it loads so much easier. Much improved over my old 400mhz machine. I find that my thoughts are much more clear in the confined space of my cousin's office. It seems that my brain cells need that type of stimulation to work efficiently.

Of late....I have been rescuing old 35mm slides from my family dating back to the fifties. Some are in poor shape. I have a few of when I was maybe 2 years old...at the most. All told, I have close to 600 slides. I purchased a Minolta Dimage slide scanner last year on Ebay. It works very nice in converting those slides to digital format. I then use Microsoft Digital Image Suite 10, to "fix" the scanned photos before writing them to CDs. A real slick operation at preserving those old family momentos. Saved forever on CDs.

I will also be scanning in old documents, papers and records to burn to CD. A great thing if your originals should ever get lost, or destroyed. I find that this activity keeps my overactive mind from
drifting as far. I have daydreams if I let myself go.

I would think of nothing but my love for her if I did nothing. How can it be that 13 years after the fact, I still have the same level of feelings for someone? It does seem strange...does it not? But yet,
here I am....thinking of her and wasting away my days locked in a fantasy land. So it is that I must direct my thoughts to other ventures. When will it stop? I just don't know....but after 13 years...it seems like it won't be any time soon.

I sit in my seclusion and aim my words of thought into the void of cyberspace. Safely behind a monitor.....but truthful as can be. I have no shame for being here. I have no reason to hide. I do not use an alias to mask my intentions. So many others have I seen that hide their identities in their screens. The names they use are
fantasy driven....a conglomeration of all that they hope to be.
So in this respect....they differ little from me. We have the same desire to express ourselves and to be understood. To put forth the effort to understand those of whom we interact. To grasp the world as it is.....yet dream of the world as we wish it could be.

The trials and tribulations of life effect us all. That is what binds us in this common cause to publish our thoughts for all to see. That is my motivation. I have the hope that those who I have loved, those that I have hurt and those who are my friends and enemies...can come to understand my rationale for my actions. Behavior which may seem odd at the time...can sometimes be explained by circumstances that we each endure. We are weak creatures...easily corrupted and swayed. So it is that I have to find an outlet for my explanations and justifications. That is my attempt in this forum. To show to all who I really am. How my mind and emotions work.....what makes me say and do the things I do.
It is a lonely path....for most people have built walls so high and thick that seeing the true selves of each....can be impossible.

I have no qualms to spreading bare my soul and mind. What more do I have to hide in my life? As it stands now....it is an open book anyway. The least I can do is add my point of view and perspective to what some may question. It validates my mundane existence. So it is with hope that I ask all who read these missives of mine.....to keep your mind free and open. To read with your heart and soul the words and thoughts I extoll. For they are written with honesty, sincerity and emotion. My window to world around me.....past, present and future. And if it should be that my love of long ago should happen upon these pages.....I hope that you can understand a little of what I have been through these many years. Of those times of past....I can never forget....as surley as the sun rises, the world turns and the stars shine.

A New Tomorrow

And I sit....as do I ponder.
My life is such, that I may wonder.
How it was...that came my fall.
From beyond my sight, it should call.

Never do I rest, nor wait.
Always feel I, the fright and hate.
Of countless days...and so many years.
That of which...caused many tears.

Of times both joyous and too sad.
The things of which we never had.
The life of that....which was granted thee.
Did we squander needlessly.

My thoughts of you and of your soul.
Should make my life....surrender control.
But for the turn of fate.. of then.
We would still be in love again.

The hands of time are unforgiving.
Just as long as my life... keeps on living.
But when my hope has dimmed too far.
I will set forth and wish upon your star.

And as you know what that would be.
To set the hands of time to see.
Back upon so many years.
That time erases all our fears.

What kind of power would that take.
So not again...the same mistakes we make.
To know our failings of right and wrong.
So as not to sing....our sad swan song.

And that...my dearest wish would be.
My only request, that should you see.
Like my life...cannot I not wait.
To see myself....the hands of fate.

To hear a voice from an angels heart.
Relieve the hate.....that tore us apart.
Mend the sorrow of what once was.
Bring back the time of secret love.

When words cannot express our feelings.
And all these things would strain the healing.
Should we still hurt our heart and soul.
Let us forgive the past, and make our lives whole.

I will start...with what must be done.
To say I am sorry...cannot be just one.
Two it takes...to mend this rift of hate.
That for so long....have we endured its fate.

My apology is sound and true.
Like unto the wind...I call to you.
Please forgive my mistaken sins of past.
That should our friendship....ever last.

That is for us....to now decide.
Should we cast our hurt...and pain astride.
I hope upon heaven's marbled gate.
That would you accept the words I state.

To hold in my mind, my heart, my soul.
Your deep brown eyes...that I should know.
For in the depth of their brilliant glitter.
To sooth your tears...and not be bitter.

But....one life we have to live.
And so very short and fragile it is.
That when all is said and finally done.
Did I show mercy and love for one.

That is my hope....my dearest wish.
For someday...to mend our deep rift.
I call to you once again, my time of need.
What we have felt...could you please heed.

My last wish, my hope and fate.
I no longer wish to feel the burining hate.
To rid the past....these things of sorrow.
May it bring to us now.....a new tomorrow.

A Question of Faith and Belief

Now this is a topic which intrigues me greatly. I really got to thinking about the Terri Shiavo affair....and the long legal war over her right to die.....or live. But even more than that....is the role of religion in that debate. For it touches on a greater topic....that of which a person rests their faith and beliefs. How many religions are there in the world? Hundreds.....if not thousands. They all seem to preach the same tenant however......at some point and time....we die and depending on how we lived, believed and confessed....eternal life awaits, for good or bad.

This brings up questions as to a supreme being....often referred to as "God". Most popular christian religions...including some of the jewish teachings.....would have us believe that God is all powerful, all knowing and completely omnipotent. With but the blink of an eye....he/she could alter anything on this planet....if he/she so desired. No human event goes unnoticed by God, as we are told time and again through scriptures....or men of the cloth.

That being the case.....many people have asked why God would let bad things happen to good people. Why little innocent children are made to suffer....be raped, tortured and killed. The response from the clergy.....God gives us "free will" to act upon. If this were the case.....would it not be just as important for the little child who was tortured and slowly killed to have as much say in their "free will" as it was for the sick, deranged animal who did the killing. Why would an all powerful God allow the free will of murders, sadists, criminals, and human filth.....to take precedent over the free will of an innocent child...or even an adult for that matter....who did not want to die a horrible death? It makes no sense to me. I have a hard time agreeing to the outright faith we are supposed to hold...when so many contradictions are evident. In fact....for the most part of recorded human history.....how many times has it ever been proven that God interceded in any major calamity, war, pestilence, famine, plague or genocide to the betterment of the innocent? If God made the heavens, earth, and humans....why has he/she allowed such atrocities to continue unabated for thousands of years? How many millenia are humans condemed to
repeat the suffering of war, illness, hatred, famine and murder?
When is enough....enough? To me.....that does not sound like an all loving and powerful deity.

As far as I can tell.....and it is only my opinion....it seems that most of the world's religions were contrived for the purpose of controlling the masses. It has always been far more effective and less costly to the state to have its' people tow the line in the name of religion. As long as there has been civilizations on this world...there has been some form of religious belief that the people are expected to adhere to. From paganism and mythology....to the current religions of today. It is expensive for governments to maintain power if you have to have a large standing army and police force. Far better to have people obey your will if the reward, or punishment, is based on eternal salvation, or eternal damnation.

After all, is that not what most religions teach today....if you obey the teachings of their religious dogma.....of their particular supreme being or saviour...than you will have eternal life in the most wonderful place ever known. Conversely....disobey the religious teachings.....stray from the fold.....question the authority of that power.....and it is eternal damnation in hell.....for all eternity. Now given the choices....who would rather be in blissful heaven....or painful hell....or whatever demon realm they call it.

It seems far fetched to me.....a real contrived story passed along in many formats from recorded history. So far as I know....there is not one person alive today.....or even the last 2,000 years....who can prove that a single human has returned from the dead and proven the existence of heaven, or hell. Even if we are to believe in the resurrection of Lazarus by Jesus....I can recall him never relating what death or heaven was like when he was dead. It seems suspicious to me.

Then there is the christian teaching of what life will be like in heaven. Think about it. According to scriptures.....you would not have your old body....you would not have the worldy possessions you once enjoyed.....you most certainly would not be engaging in sex out of wedlock....and your sole purpose would be to give glory and praise to God. So in essence.....you would not be you....as you would not be able to relate your earthly life and experiences....to that which would be in heaven. No longer would you long for fast cars, beautiful women.....dating......jobs....kids, or vitually anything else that was on earth. So how could you possible know it was you....or could have even been you....who now in spirit form resided in the utopia of heaven? It would be a case of being reborn.....as a new baby would be. But if you had no knowledge of your past life on earth....the experiences good or bad,
why would you center your whole life and structure on the promise that someday....you might go to heaven and be who you were.

You would no longer be you...but would be some anonymous form of spirit somewhere doing the bidding of whatever entity had brought you there. I know that many of the religions teach their followers that you will see all your dead relatives, parents and loved ones in heaven. This is just not possible. Why? Because all religions.....particularly christian ones....state in their scriptures that out of the many.....only a few are worthy to gain access to heaven. That being the case....there are going to be alot of disappointed people when they discover grandpa did not make the list. Can you see my point?

Here is another question for thought. When a person dies...what actually happens to their soul.....no one really knows.....or do they even have one? Science has already proven that all higher life forms....including humans.....store the memories of the past and current existence in millions of brain cells. Some short term....some long term. Since it is a biological piece of matter that stores the memories that we hold......those things that make us who we are....and unique to all others.....than what happens when those biological cells degrade and die. No longer are there storage vessels for the many memories which we all use to identify ourselves.
What happens to the energy of those memories? Like all energy...I would believe that it probably dissipates into the world to be recycled into another form of energy at a later date. Think of this. If someone died 2 thousand years ago.....their physical body has long since decomposed and returned to the earth to be reused as another form of energy. Without the biological cells to hold the memories that perosn once had.....what would have happened to them the last 2 thousand years? How would they have been made to be cohesive for that length of time to be still viable as an individual person of an exact identity? Where would all of those trillions of memories from billions of dead humans have been kept for all these centuries only to have them allegedly reassembled at some far distant point in the future....and then only for the people who had passed the test of faith and devotion. What about those humans who existed and died centuries before they could even know of modern religions.....and the requirements of salvation.
It seems improbable to me that even if there is a heaven....those who were invited into it......would have any notion of who they were on earth. They would be totally new beings....so to hope for the memories of old long lost relatives, friends and loved ones to come back to life and greet you at the pearly gates....when your memories of them died when you did....seems minute at best.

I personally do not know what to believe, who to believe....or even why to belive.....in such a nebulous concept as eternal life as you would have been on earth.....once in heaven. Biologically....it would not be possible for the brain cells that carried your mermories to exist once they died. Hence.....without a vessel to carry those memories....it would seem impossible for the energy of those memories to remain a cohesive force capable of identifying a single person centuries after physical death. And.....without your memories and experiences....how would you ever know if it was you who actually got to the afterlife? Memories are what we base our lives and self identies on. Without them....we would be little more than plants or lower animal forms.

These are the questions I have....and hence my reluctance to blindly follow the lead of organized religion when so little proof exists of what actually happens after you die. No one really knows....except for the one who has died. Everything else to me is just conjecture and fabrication of what will happen after we die.
Whether that is heaven....or hell....yet remains to be seen.

The greatest measure of control indeed....to feed upon the fears of the meek!