INTRODUCTION TO EPISODE 2 - THE PHOENIX OF MY SOUL

Good day to all. I am starting this second episode off much more slowly than did I the first one. The reason for this is because...the end is still undetermined. The final fate will not be known for some time.....but that's how these things play out. I can say that there will be weeks without entries....so other topics will be covered. Like before....you will know when new chapters have been written by the title.

This story involves a second chapter in my life.....a stage born from the fire and death of the Twin Tower attacks on 9/11. For without that tragedy.....there would have been no second chances for me. Out of the death of thousands.....did I receive a reprieve from the persecution of the empire. My redemption came on the heels of that attack.....little was I to know, however, what the cost would be. In this world.....there are no free rides. We must all pay a price for what we do....and so it was with me. But for over a decade I would have hope once again to embark on a path I had not seen in so long. To experience a rebirth of the death of 10 years past.

And so begins the this second episode.....The Phoenix of my Soul.
As did that mythical bird of old....did I rise out of the ashes of the destruction and waste of that supreme act of terror. Fate would again intercede.....where I thought no hope and salvation could live. For in the ashes of that destruction.....did a second opportunity to appease the empire arrive. A chance to fulfill an oath to my country, an allegence to my flag, a faith to my God.
Yes....it was to be another chapter.....an episode...a saga of which my hopes and dreams rode on the back of fate. And as I knew too well already....fate had not been kind. It was just a matter of time. So it began...on September 11, 2001. The day of terror.

The SS Batavia - June 1875

The month was June....the year, 1875.....the place....Sulby Village, Isle of Man. This was the place of my great grandfather.....the old land of the Manx cats. You know, the ones' with no tails. That small island in the middle of the Irish Sea. A small island about 30 miles long. On the highest point.....you can see Ireland, Scottland, England and Wales. It was this place where my roots began. For hundreds of years did my ancestors inhabit that small island. Most were fishermen, a mix of Gaelic, Viking, English and Roman blood.

It was 4 years earlier that my great grandfather, Robert Henry Shimmin, was living with an aunt and uncle.....at the young age of 14. There was some falling out in his family...he hated his stepfather...and left to live with them in Sulby village. He eventually set out to seek his fortune in the US. He steamed out of Liverpool, England aboard the steamer ship, SS Batavia. This ship was typical of the steamers of the day....a cutter style hull, double mast and one coal fired steam engine. He set out alone....and it took 9 days to make the trip to the port of Boston. He had few possessions.....among them a small accordion. He arrived there the first week of July and promptly headed west...via train....to Carrol County, Illinois. This was just 1 year before Custer met his end at Little Bighorn. Upon arrival at Carrol County.....he lived and worked for another uncle and aunt.

He stayed there for about 10 years....until 1885....before he set out again. That same year....he married his girlfriend, Mattie Bell Waxler, in Cherokee County, Ohio. They made their way west again and in 1887....came to the small town of Tryon, Nebraska....in a covered wagon. They homesteaded a large parcel of land north of Tryon. There they raised cattle on what became a large ranch. They were among the first pioneers to settle there. The ranch is still in the family.....115 years later. My grandfather and my father were both born on that Nebraska ranch. My grandfather and his wife moved to Idaho in 1937.....and had a large farm near the city of Nampa. I was born in the nearby city of Caldwell.

As it was....I had the good fortune of visiting an aunt several years back and she gave me some papers, journals and documents she was going to throw out. I am glad she didn't because it just happened that one of the old small journals.....belonged to my great grandfather. Inside was his handwritten account of his trip from the old world......to the new....way back in 1875. What a loss that would have been. I still have those old documents....stored safely away......those memories of old. Those links to the past remind me of my heritage. Of the Manx of old. Though the language spoken, Manx gaelic, is now extinct.....my great grandfather spoke it with fluency.

Some day I will make it to that small island and see where we began. Though my family name is uncommon here.....there are many on that small island......a pure Manx name. It all began on that lonely trans-atlantic journey in 1875 on that steamer ship.....the SS Batavia.

Separate Ways....Worlds Apart

The last few days I have been experiencing some rather rough weather. A rocky road that has been laid down in my path. As I struggle not to get evicted and thrown out to the street....as a common bum......my world has increasingly floated the opposite of my peers. While the ones of whom I used to work are succeeding and prospering....I am slowly drifting into the deep waters of financial and social despair. My ship is sinking, as the holes grow ever larger. I am at the cusp of destitution once again. You would think I would be used to this by now......but no......it hurts the 50th time as much as when it was first done.

Not unlike the worn shoes that have traveled too many miles....do I feel the sting of the messenger of poverty. After 13 years of persecution by the government....by my family.....by my friends....and by the girl I loved......my life is slowly draining away into the void of nothingness. For what do I have to look forward to in the coming months and years....another 13 years of hatred, heartache, persecution, character assasination and financial ruin?
Not at all the rosy picture I envisioned before my downfall.

The road is long.....filled with pain and sorrow. Filled with regret and repentence. As it was.....I was just going over the vast library of documentation I have accumulated after 13 years of cold war.
I have statements from ex-friends....ex-coworkers.....ex-supervisors.....and the power elite. I even have the statements of the 2 female friends and my rival back at the academy 13 years past. It is truly amazing to see what lengths many of these people have gone through to portray me as the most vile person since the fall of Hitler. I might as well have burned 6 million people in ovens....as my fate could not be much worse. Rather than kill me in a most overt way.....quick and merciful.......I have been dying a slow agonizing death of persecution by the state. How many of those statements I reviewed the last few days prompted and perpetuated the persecution I continue to suffer? Is there no end to the hatred of which some of these people hold? Have I not suffered enough for my sins? I guess not.

What surprises me the most.....is the fact that many of the same people who stabbed me in the back 13 years ago....professed themselves to be of a religious faith. Yet they do not practice what would be taught in the scriptures they read....the God they follow......the saviour they rely. There will be no forgiveness, no absolution, no humility and no compassion. There will be vengence, hatred, bearing false witness and outright malice and evil.
Not all who were involved are guilty of this....but some most certainly are. I can see the lies.....the deception.....the intimidation......and the omissions. If people are going to tell a story.....then by all means....tell all of the story. Tell of your true feelings....not the contrived ones made for show. This is not a game with no consequences. It was....and is....real. Real people suffer, get hurt, lose their faith and succumb to powers that be.
Real people lose everything....based on words that may only be partially true.....not true.....or coerced. I know....it happened to me.

I noticed that in particular.....the statement of my rival went to great lengths to demonize me....yet he conveniently forgot to mention his part in the mess. His drinking, cussing, anger and yelling. He forgot to mention how he would fight with her in the room next door, cursing and yelling....like I could not hear. He forgot to mention his verbal assault of me at the pool. Or his drunken stuper later that night after he finished off a bottle of Jack Daniels. Perhaps he did not know it....but pictures were taken later that night....they survived and were not flattering at all. It is this type of hypocracy that I resent. I don't mind taking blame where blame is deserved.....but to be led into slaughter just to mask the misdeeds of the others.....that is unacceptable.

It was even that way in her statement. She conveneintly forgot to say that way before I asked her out in that first letter....she asked to go fishing with me. Or how when she was upset in the room next door....and my rival was ridiculing her over me...that she twice stated that she had "liked me" and knew I was in love with her.
I see those things did not appear in her statement. Is it any wonder I fell in love with her....and do so today? I had believed that the feeling was mutual.....wrong again I guess. There were other things that were omitted by the various actors in this play.
From the Academy staff, to the chief.....to District personnel, union staff, supervisors and co-workers in Los Angeles. And later....lawyers for the government would play the game....with no thought or regard of the truth. Winning was the only acceptable outcome for them.

I have asked myself countless times what I did that was so horrible as to be branded as I was. I did not use drugs...or sell them. I never robbed anyone, shot anyone, threatened anyone. I was not a white collar crook. I did not cheat, lie or steal. And I never took advantage of women for sexual gain. Yes....I am still bitter over the whole experience. Why? Because it is not getting better....I am still being persecuted and blacklisted. My life is still a shambles and hope is but a twinkle in the sky. I am still bitter that the real crooks, cheats, scum.....are either still working for the government...or got to retire with a nice big pension.
How quickly people forget their own failures...let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Words all too quickly forgotten. Sigh........

The Double Standards of Love

Well.....this should be interesting. I have been considering a topic that I have long thought of. What hypocracy society places on love. It is revered on one hand.....vilified on the other. What gives anyway?

Here is my argument. How many times have you seen movies, tv shows and printed material extol the virtues of love.....and the extent one will go through to win that one true love. It is a main focus of our society. We have no problem going to see some sappy romance/comedy flick.....or read the same in some novel.....about the outrageous lengths people will go to to win a loved one. Usually it is the man who is the pursuer.....and he is the one to take the risks of rejection, embarassment and reprecussions. I can't even begin to count the number of movies Hollywood has put out over the years in which this story has unfolded.

In most cases, the man has to go through a literal "hell" before he can win his love interest, as if he had to prove himself worthy.
The permutations of what he has to endure are without end. Loss of jobs, jail time, loss of family, alcoholism, drug use, restraining orders......and the list goes on. But in our popular society of cinema and books.....these pitfalls are completely acceptable....almost encouraged. Sort of like a rite of passage to some pagan festival. A catch 22 of the real world.

But.....and I mean but......if some poor real average schmuck should try even a small percent of the crap society shoves down our throats each year......call the police and throw the bum in jail is the battle cry. It is not long before the accusations fly.....stalker, molester, pervert, weirdo and deviant.....are just a few of the words the poor schmuck is likely to hear. Restraining orders are dished out like candy on Halloween.

Of course I have personal experience in this area. I was one of the thousands of poor schmucks caught in this trap. It cost me dearly to emulate what Hollywood, media and magazines have put forth for decades and centuries. To put it in another way.....just how many couples out there have had their love interest.....over the course of their courtship and afterwards.....give them Love letters, or poetry and other such "gifts". I would suspect that a majority of people have done this. It is a totally acceptable custom in most societies. But for me....it was a huge disaster. Who would have thought that a few love letters, poetry and innocent hand drawn pictures would be the basis for branding me for life as an undisirable element. Banned for life from the mainstream.

I never once asked for sex, tried for sex, forced myself on her, grabbed or molested her. Never. Yet it seems that if you are the ruling elite...taking advantage of women for sexual pleasure is part of your job.....and society looks with a blind eye. Just look at the failing of our elected leaders....Clinton on down.....and the financial power elite. It is pervasive throughout our society. I guess if I had been just one of the "good 'ol boys" after just one thing....I would still be an agent of the realm.

So what lesson did I learn.......true love sucks! It is better to be a
shallow, self-serving, bottom feeding scumbag....than to be a nice guy. That old axiom "nice guys finish last" really has a ring of truth.
Guess I should have gotten tattoed, used drugs excessively, commited a ton of crimes and done hard time in the pokey. Oh, I almost forgot.....used and abused all the women I could find. I am sure I would have fit right in then. Hell, how many supervisors I worked under in the INS did the same? At least 3 that I know of. Yes.....and I would still have the career they did.

It does a soul good to vent every now and then.

Another Day in the Life of a Rebel

Again....I find myself waxing about what has been, what could have been, what should have been.....and what will never be. Those terms are quite interchangeble....are they not? To this extent.....my goals of rising above my circumstances have been quite introspective. I guess I will never win the powerball lottery....so I guess i will find no financial relief there. My career choices.....being limited as they are....seem not to be the answer either. Such is the life of a rebel. Alive and kicking, but existing on the edge.....the fringe....an outcast of society.

Life does not come easily for the likes of our kind. We are the disenfranchised masses....the nonconformists.....the malcontents of the world. Alone, we are powerless.....but in numbers....ahhhh...that is where the power lies. So it has been since the dawn of civilization. Whether by the ballot box....or by the gun.....when we the people have had enough.....change will come. The regimes of the world fear our numbers....and thus...our strength. To keep us under their thumbs....they resort to oppression, intimidation, lies, deception and.....if needed...force.

But I am bigger than that. I have more dignity than that. I have what they will never have.....the soul and spirit of the artistic mind.
With that mind I can think outside of the box they have constructed. I can see through the lies and deception they profess...the propaganda they spew. I have imagination, desire and focus. I can shed the falsehoods of their manifestations. How?....I often ask myself. I use the one tool that governments the world over would prefer not be available.....education and knowledge.
For with that education and knowledge.....I can see weaknesses inherent within their structure. I can process the information and teach others....as I have taught myself.

I find it enlightening that I can be who I am.....even under the heavy hand of the state. I can revel in the succinct knowledge I gather. I keep my freedom and liberty that way. I maintain order within my life. I cast my fortunes to the wind.....that I may be better the next day.....rather than the last. In this manner....I will never be fully defeated; no matter what steps are taken to beat me down. This is how I must live my life....as a rebel....an outcast.
Yes...it is another day in the life of a rebel. A position I was forced into to......not entirely of my own doing. So it is I must roll with the punches that hit me each day. Down I go.....to the mat of life....only to rebound with more vigor and purpose than ever.
Yes.....a punching bag I am......but a resilient one indeed. A worthy adversary.

The Ides of March

Well, not quite....but soon. I know now that spring is just weeks away, thank God! I not much of a winter person. I grew up in the cold and snow of Idaho, and that was enough for me. My sister has her birthday in 2 days.....wow....do I feel old. Time sure is flying by. Funny how that works. When you are young...it seems to take forever to grow up. But, when you are older.....time speeds up exponentially....it seems like it anyway. It seems like just yesterday that I was still a spry 32 years old at the INS Academy. Yet now, I am edging toward 46. Where in the hell did the time go? Those daisies and worms are getting closer with each passing year.

Over halfway to the old "pine box". Is that what I really want....no.....so I am thinking of cremation when that time comes. I mean.....it is not like you will crawl out of the ground sometime down the road in your old decomposed body.....horror movies aside. Death.....the only sure thing in this world. Everyone has to die.....yet not everyone pays taxes. So in this sense....death is the only certainty in life. It is a trip we must all take alone. The rich and poor......the gifted and the slow......the hindu and the jew.....the black, brown, yellow and white. None are exempt from this fate.

The only real question you should ask yourself......is how I lived my life and what I did with the time I was granted? Was it a good life...full of compassion, understanding, empathy and love? Or was it bitter life filled with hatred, sorrow, prejudice, vengence and grudges? No one knows the answer but you alone. Only you will have to live with the consequenses of your actions. I know I am living with mine right now. At least I know that I tried to act in good faith.....to show compassion to my fellow man. I may fall....but my spirit will live on knowing that my intentions were good.....that my heart was in the right place. I may be damned and condemned by those who were around me for the rest of eternity....but at least I know that when this life is over.....the only one I have to answer to is God himself. I have that type of spirit.....forgiving, compassionate, non-judgemental and understanding. I understand that we all have faults....for none are perfect. So it is that I cannot hold a grudge for long. Even of my enemies. In personal relationships.....I can say this with truth....but when it comes to corruption of power, greed and selfishness among the ruling elite.....it is quite another story.

My time on this earth is extremely limited.....as it is for us all.
You only get one chance....one short life.....one set of dreams in which to act upon. Once it is over.....it is over.....at least in this realm of existance. I may not have material wealth, power and status.....but I know that I have a good soul.....and that will go a long way in the hereafter. Whatever that may be. The Ides of March are coming for each of us....sooner than we expect. That is the nature of the human condition.

I'M BACK FROM WASHINGTON

I just returned from Silver Lake, Washigton after a cousins' wedding. Portland was sunny and warm. As a matter of fact, there was no snow at all in the Mt. Shasta area. They really do have a drought up there. If you have never been to Portland, Oregon.....it is very different from Los Angeles. It has a completely different feel to it....and the people seem to be friendlier.

I had a good time overall.....but it was a whirlwind trip. Drove straight back all last night after the wedding.....it took about 15 hours to make the trip. It looks like I will have to drive to South Dakota in June.....as my nephew is getting married. Sure hope he knows what he is getting himself into.

Well, that is all for my update at the moment. I believe I will start volume 2 of my story shortly.....as there is much to tell from the last 2 years. Still have received no word at all regarding the letter of apology to my long lost love. Perhaps I will never hear anything....but that was to be expected. At least I have not had jack booted government thugs banging at my door......not yet anyway! I set no time limit on my "mea culpa". I can expect no less from the government; as much time remains for its response. Still, my thoughts of her pervade my daily routine. The lingering thoughts of wishes and dreams of years past.

Of course, I am an idiot to hold on to such false dreams....but that is what makes us unique. The ability to have hope.....when all seems lost. How many people over the centuries have taken the path I now journey? Too many to count....to be sure. It is a path well traveled. A path filled with disappointment and sadness. But for the few of the many.....it would be such a waste of life. But that is exactly why we continue this lonesome journey......for the hope that we are one of the few......out of the many.

Just 2 days past, I was sitting in the forest of Silver Lake, Washington.....looking up at the full moon in the sky. The stars were countless, unlike LA. As I watched "la Luna" in the night sky, I realized that there was one connection common to us all.....common to her and I.....as we both had undoubtedly cast our eyes at the same full moon. The same shadows of light had cast their pale upon our emotions.....evoking times of memories past. And so it is that hope eternal springs....that which defines us as human. Sigh........my prison of solitude.