The Passing of Pope John Paul II

I offer my condolences and sympathies to the passing of Pope John Paul II. He was a most effective pope and hastened the fall of communism in eastern Europe. Had he not personally supported Lech Walensa and the Solidarity labor movement...it is doubtful communism would have collapsed in Poland. He was true leader among the Catholic popes. He was a great man and I believe that he brought much to the world scene to diffuse difficult situations. He was critical of tyrants and capitalists alike. I admired his devotion to duty and to world peace. I hope that his replacement will be as effective and liked as he was. May he rest in peace.

April Fool's Day-My Day

Here it is...the day that was made for me. Yes, April Fool's day was tailor made for me. Why? Because for years...I have been a fool. From bad choices...bad career moves and of course...dismal failures in the romance department. I think they should rename this day as a tribute to all of us born losers. The outcasts and rejects of society.
No matter how hard we try...what good intentions we have...or how pure our hearts are...something always goes terribly wrong. Murphy's law is our bible. That is how I feel at times. I have had so much crap piled on me over the years...why would I not have such feelings?

I can handle the adversity most of the time. I have thickened my skin to absorb the barbs of failure in most cases. But the one place of failure I cannot overcome...is to lose at the game of love. To have lost at romance seems to hold the deepest wounds. To have lost her years so many years ago...only to see the wounds of time not heal...is a burden I do not wish upon any person. It is a fools' hope that occupies my life. Dreams long since vanished...kept alive in the secret chambers of my being.

My day is here at last. I can celebrate with the multitudes of other fools who know of my struggles. Together we form the subset of the underground society. We rejoice in the fact that for every happy and successful soul...there are hundreds that will never experience the life they dream. The life society demands. In that fact...there is agreement and acknowledgment. Unfortunately for me...this April Fool's day lasts far longer than just the one day. It lasts an entire year. Broken up every now and then with short periods of success and joy. But like the every ready fool I am...I would not hesitate to jump back into the fire should an opportunity ever arise. Should she ever become available again...I would throw myself at her feet...waiting to be trampled upon again. I will never learn the easy way out. But that is the trademark of a true fool. Always willing to experience the same pain and sorrow over and over again.
Yes indeed...a day tailor made for a fool like me.

13 Years Ago This Day

Well...it has now been 13 years since I first went to the Academy. It is also the first time I laid my eyes upon her. You know of whom I speak. For I have mentioned her numerous times in my stories and missives. Sure, I still use a ficticious name for her...but it would be the same if I used her name proper.
13 years ago was the start of my dissolution from life. The beginning of the end of my career. The beginning of the end of the only girl I would truly love...my soulmate. The shortness of the whole affair only deepens the conviction of my beliefs. How could so much time have passed already? Old age is stalking us...slowly...but as surely as the night falls. Time is slipping away for us...for me and her. As the years turn into decades...so it is that the lives we have led are counting down to the end. How much time is left? I don't know...that will be up to fate to decide.

I know that I do not want to go to my grave holding the guilt and regret I feel. To be tortured in the next life...if there is one...for mistakes I had made in this life would be like an eternal hell. Out of all the wrongs I have ever commited, out of all the people I have ever hurt, out of all the sins I have been accused...the one thing that bothers me the most...is the pain I caused her to suffer 13 years ago. Knowing that I will probably never see her again, never talk to her again and never to hear her forgive me for what was done...is the worst punishment I can imagine. I would rather spend an eternity in a lake of fire and brimstone...than to know that I will never be forgiven my sins of the past. To know that we shall both pass from this world at some time in the future and turn into dust...without so much as an "I'm sorry" passed between us. To know that I will never again get to look into her eyes and touch her soul. To know these things and wait for the harbinger of death to claim me...in what...10, 20, 30 years? Who knows...I could get shot tomorrow and she would never know. Would she even care? After 13 years...I doubt it.

But I care. It bothers me that this is the path that has been laid before me.
It bothers me that I can do nothing to prevent the hands of fate from passing this judgement upon me. It bothers me that the world is so cold and unforgiving. Yes...it was 13 years ago...and it still bothers me and haunts my very life. Day after day, month after month and year after year. Time flies by at increasing speeds...hastening my old age...and draining my life force. It is like a vampire who must feed on the blood of the living. Such is my legacy..my life...my ambitions...my dreams...my love...my victories...and my failures. And to think...it all started so innocently 13 years ago this day.

Sigh.....

The Minuteman Project

As you may have heard...the Minuteman Project is about a group of US citizens who are going to observe about a 20 mile stretch of Arizona border with Naco as the center point. Perhaps as mant as 1,200 people will show up whereas they will be split into teams of 4 to watch for illegal entry across the border. All sighting will be reported to the Border Patrol. This activity is not so much a vigilante action...as it is a protest and demonstration calling for more border control.

The US Border Patrol is overwhelmed and needs more manpower. What does Bush think will happen if thousands of people a day are streming across the border? His poor decision to cut back from 2,000 BP officers, to just 210, certainly will not fix the problem. I agree with the point the Minuteman Project is trying to get across. If the government will not protect us from this social and economic threat...then what choice do citizens have? Out founding fathers clearly stated that if government fails in it's constitutional duties to protect and serve the people...then the people have the right to change the government.
Of course...in the real world...the government would never allow itself to be changed in a meaningful way. Nor will it give it's citizens the power it has to protect the soveriegnty of the country. Remember what happened at the Civil War...Waco and Ruby Ridge?

I gave serious concern in joining the Minutman Project in their protest on the border. But...I got to thinking about just how close they were going to be to Douglas, Arizona...the place where my old flame lives and works. She is still there...and still working for the government I would imagine. My love for her would have probably made me do something irrational...like go to Douglas to try and see her. I could just see the news headlines already ..."Disgruntled former INS agent arrested for stalking a female CBP Officer". With the amount of media that is going to be down there...talk about tempting fate. And with my track record...the charges would pile up like interest on a credit card.

I would have really liked to join them there...but the risks were just too great.
My logical brain finally overcame my emotional one...and the prudent choice was made. I declined their offer to join them. I guess I know myself too well...for I would have been unable to concentrate on the work at hand..knowing that she was just a short distance from the group. I know damn well that I would try and look her up if I was there. I would try to let her know what has happened the last 13 years...and I would likely be knee deep in trouble when it was all over. Furthermore...I remembered the letter of apology I had sent her in February. I had told her I would not stalk or harass her...and I had to keep my word. So it is that I have kept my word...and will keep it...unless she says otherwise.

I am disappointed I was not able to make a difference in highlighting the important border issues...that I was unable to participate. But these are the sacrifices that one does for love. That very word...love...has more power than all of the governments, dictators and despots of the world. Yielded wisely...nothing can defeat it...for it will last forever. By the same token, however, it can also be the most devastating weapon ever...a weapon capable of destroying people and bringing down empires. A double edged sword...a fine line that we must walk...stray but a little either way...and forever changed your world will be. Will it be of good, or bad...that is not ours to say. We play the cards that are dealt us...and hope we have a winning hand. There's only one winner in poker...and a number of losers. The only thing I can hope for...is to keep trying to push on...and let the cards fall where they may.

HOW I SPENT EASTER

I had a change of plans for Easter...as I was going to go over to my cousin's. They went to some friends of theirs, so I got an invite to my friends house. My best friend has the best in-laws. I have been to their place many times...and have always felt like part of the family. His wife was born Mexicali...so their whole family really knows how to cook good food. The carne was super today...the best I have had in eons. So too was the pollo, frijoles and homemade salsa verde. Excellent dinner. His wife makes the best chile rellanos also. I could practically live over their just for the food. I even eat the posale and menudo, which I never used to touch.

Had a good time and got to swing the pinata for the kids to bust open. After dinner...my friend and his daughter both had a birthday party...then we watched the Lakers...lose again! How pitiful they are this year. Eight losses in a row. I am almost ashamed to say they are my team. The evening ended up with everyone watching a dvd...Soul Plane...very funny movie.

This Sunday I believe we are all going to Disneyland for the day...can't wait to try the Indiana Jones ride, Splash Mountain
and a few others. Should be a fun time. Well...that is how I spent my Easter Sunday. Not a bad day at all. I wish I could have spent it with a certain girl from Arizona and her family instead...but sometimes you have to make due with what you have. Maybe someday...but yesterday was not that day.