Update of the Story

I hope I am not making this story too boring, or depressing....but, I shoot from the hip....I pull no punches. When I get on a roll....I like to try and finish what I start. The end of My Soul of the Moon is coming soon. That episode will be over.....and Episode 2 will start. I have yet to name it.....but you will know soon enough, Some of you may wonder how it was that I called my first story, My Soul of the Moon? Well, it is in honor of my lost love. She will know what it means.
Other than this......nothing new to report. Have a nice day!

MY SOUL OF THE MOON Chapter 9

Though the ordeal had ended for the 2 friends....and they returned to their homes. I had another fate awaiting me. By the the weekend I had been told that I had to appear before a panel...to see if they were going to give me my graduation certificate. The director wasted no time acting on his words that had held me captive for so long. I was given less than 48 hours to prepare. Being a member of the AFGE union, I called them back at Los Angeles and asked for help. I was told they did not have the money to send anyone. I was told to call the National union in DC. They also told me that could send no one.....they did not have time. They told me to call the AFGE stewart on site. I did, unfortunately, he told me that their contract prohibited them from representing students. I felt abandoned and alone. I tried calling some attorneys.....and the few that were interested said they could not act in such short notice. I would need to get an extension before they could help. One of my Spanish instructors was so distraught that they would do this to me....she called up the National AFGE and pleaded with them to send someone down.....telling them that they could not let me go in there alone. It did little good, as they ignored her plea. It seemed my fate was sealed. That weekend was another cycle of torture. More pain that I was to endure....made even more profound by the absence of the one that I loved. She had no idea of what I was about face.

The time came Monday morning. I had donned my dress uniform, and departed for my appointment with destiny. In one last attempt at salvation.....I wrote a letter addressed to the panel asking for an extension of time, as no attorney could be there on such short notice, nor any union representative. When I entered the room there were 3 senior instructors who were to be my judge, jury and executioner. As they had tried to get started, I pulled the written statement from my folder.....and read it to them. I advised them that I was entitled to representation...and needed time to find one. They did not know what to do. One of them left the room, returning some minutes later. I was told to report to the academy director once again.

So here I was, back again in the same office I had been so many weeks ago. And like before, I was shaking...my eyes cast to the floor. He then entered the office, more angry then ever. He yelled at me as he paced the floor.....offended that I would dare challenge him and his authority. He was so angry...it seemed as if wanted to strike me in his rage. He slammed his fist on his desk. He told me over and over that it was "bullshit". He screamed that I had enough time to get someone.....and he was not going to allow it. I tried to protest.....I cited the Union charter which grants the rights.....it mattered little from him...as he was going to have his vengence. With that, he stood in front of me, pointed his finger at me and told me that under direct order of a superior officer, I was ordered to return to the panel, answer questions and cooperate....period. With that, I did as ordered and returned to the room....where for the next 3 hours.....I was grilled....alone, afraid and shattered. And once again.....I was forced to watch as the panel members passed around the the letters, poems and art I had composed for the one I loved. I thought....will the torment ever end? No one ever asked me about my emotional or physical health.....they could care a less. They did not care what happened at the pool.....their minds already set. They were just going through the motions of the setting.....affirming a conclusion which was never in doubt.

The next day....I had received their decision. No surprise here. They refused to release my graduation certificate and ordered my immediate departure back to Los Angeles. As I turned in my issued materials and signed out.....I stopped by the the office of one of the panel members and asked her how they could do this to me? She seemed to regret what they had to do. I told her that this "kangaroo court" was a sham......and I intented to file the appropriate paperwork for making me go through that inquisition alone. She looked at me as if to understand.....and told me...."you have to do, what you have to do". With that, I stormed out of her office, got into my truck.....and left on the 3,000 mile journey back......alone, embittered and depressed. With a tinge of irony....I had to pass within less that 80 miles of where "Anna" and her friend were stationed. I did not stop....though I could almost feel her presence at that time. It was very difficult not to make that left turn. But I knew what would probably happen if I did....and fate already had enough of my tears, blood and soul. It was longest 3,000 mile journey I ever had to make. So much time to ponder what happened....what fate had in store next.....what more torment?

To be continued. .......

MY SOUL OF THE MOON-Chapter 8

With but 3 days to go until graduation.....the academy finally transferred me to a new room. It was located across the campus in a large expansive dormitory. Why had they waited so long? I was told that it appeared that I was not the cause of all the problems that were ocurring. I told them they should have made the switch a month ago, when I had begged for one. They had no response other than to say that they thought they could handle it on their level. Shortly after moving, I arrived at class....where I became sick, again. I was excused to go to the clinic, again....where upon my return....I held a bag of medications that they issued. Several classmates made some remarks about it and class resumed. Another classmate commented that he did not believe I could draw so beautifully, as he had seen some of my "doodlings" in my notebook, I responded that I doubted I would ever draw again. To this day, for the most part, that has been true.

Two days later was the last official day of training. It was then that one of the instructors posted the final grades on the wall.....which would determine if one passed, or failed the course. I had dreaded looking at the grades, fearful that I had failed. I then observed "Anna" and her friend check the board....I heard them exclaim that they had passed...and they seemed so relieved...that for them....they would return home in a few days. That was true for all the native Spanish speakers. For them, the academy was over and they got to resume their lives. But, for the rest of us who could not show proficiency in that language..myself included (I almost passed phase 1 Spanish though, with a score of 69, I needed a 70). For those of us who had to stay...it was another 5 weeks of full immersion Spanish at that hell hole. Knowing that "Anna" and her friend would finally be released from the long torment at last...I felt the slightest burden lift from my shoulders. No longer would she have to endure the pain and suffering...and I felt relieved and my mood improved. It seemed like it was finally over....at least for them....and to an extent, me as well. With formal graduation ceremonies just a couple of days away....everyone in class was relieved that it was finally over.
But fate still had one last series of torment in store for me....one that I would not be able to overcome.

So it began....my last torment with "Anna" still within my presence(or so I thought). That day ended well enough, given the circumstances of my experience. So relieved was I that it appeared to be finally over.....I came out of seclusion to watch a softball game with many of the others in my class. It was the first time in weeks that I felt the chains loosen from around my neck. That I had felt secure enough to escape the confinement of my prison.....and for several hours, I escaped the pain of the real world. But it was not to last. For fate then set into motion the final act that would bring me to my knees.....and drive home my failure once and for all.

For whatever reason....I just don't know why....I joined the majority of my class after the ballgame at the campus gazebo for a graduation party celebration. I was told that I had to come by some of my classmates...as they had known what I had been through these many weeks. Since "Anna", her friend and my rival were not there, I thought it would be safe to stay for a few hours. As is the course of many celebrations....the beer and alcohol was flowing. These beverages were permitted on campus. I, like everyone else there, had consumed way too much booze that night. Before I knew it, it was quite late and very dark. Above the gazebo was an old swimming pool that was under construction. It was fenced off and half filled with dirty water. Why, or how they did it, I don't know, but some of my classmates had managed to get in to the pool area. They returned to the gazebo where I was standing.....and before I knew it....had forcibly picked me up and headed up the hill to the pool. I told them to stop, to put me down....but they would not listen as I struggled. There were 4 of them, and for whatever reason, they held me by my limbs and threw me into the dirty water of the pool. I struggled to get out, going under several times and nearly drowing once. With no offer of help, I finally managed to crawl out of the pool and staggered back through the gazebo area...determined to go back to my room. I was shaken...afraid of what they had done to me. I wanted to be alone, but I was not to get the chance...

I was stopped on the way back by several more classmates, who talked me into staying...until I could dry off. They offered apologies of what had been done. And then it happened....I saw her and my rival arrive together....they walked in and she had looked as beautiful as I had remembered her from months past. I said nothing and told 2 of my friends that I should leave now. One grabbed me by the arm and told me to stay on this side and they would leave shortly. It could not have been more than a few moments later; before I knew it....my rival was inches from my face. He was full of the rage as he released a verbal assault on me. I was caught off guard and said nothing. I stood motionless, speechless.....as his anger flared. He demanded that I stop looking at her (where have I heard that before). As he was approaching the point of launching a physical attack on me, 2 other classmates interceded and stepped between us. Still, I had said nothing, done nothing....but stood in shock. I watched then as he took her away...arm in arm. Completely broken....I fell to my knees with emotion...asking what I had done to deserve this punishment. With that, several classmates helped me back to my room. I could hardly stand, with the combination of consumption of alcohol....my weakened physical state and trauamatized emotional state of what I just experienced. I remember little else of that night...other than leaving my room later, getting lost and wandering around for several hours trying to find it. I had only been there 3 days. For that night of misfortune....fate was finally satisfied......for a while.

It was graduation day soon enough. A full day lay ahead and people packed to go home....at least some of them did. The lucky ones.......who knew Spanish of the level the academy required. But that was not to be my fate....not that day...not that time.....not in that manner. I remember as if it were just an hour ago the circumstances of the graduation ceremony. Many of my classmates had relatives attend to watch the event unfold. However, before the ceremony......the last class photograph was to be taken. We were all bedecked in our dress blue uniforms....complete with gold trim. As we took our places on the graduated steps the photographer provided....I stood several rows up and to the left. There were about 30 in our class....and we all took out places.

Of course, she was there....and in her dress uniform....looked so beautiful. She had stood down one row and to the right of me. As we waited for our picture to be taken......I saw her long look good-by. She had locked her eyes unto mine and I could see the hurt, anguish, frustration and love.....love that would never be. It seemed like time was frozen for us both, neither wanting to break the invisible bond that now existed. The other people melted away...as did the troubles of my world. It was just her and I. Time slipped by and still, the bond held. No words were spoken......nor did any need be. All that was communicated was done through the souls of our connection. I can remember so clearly the look in her eyes, the sadness of her face, and the love of what was. It was the long look good-by......as we both knew we would never see each other again. Finally, I could take it no more and snapped my head forward.....as the tears were welling up inside of me. A heavy sigh escaped my lungs....and seconds later.......the photo was snapped. A moment caught forever in a grainy photograph of many years past. After that, we walked through the motions of graduation. I was handed a packet by the same director who had exiled me so many weeks ago. His voice full of hollowness as he bid me "good luck". He knew in his heart that I would never graduate from his academy of hell. As I left the building with my empty promises, I looked back one last time.....and caught one last glimpse of her..... and as I walked back alone to my prison of solitude....the rain fell...as did the tears.

To be continued..................

MY SOUL OF THE MOON-Chapter 7

Though the time was getting shorter....I was becoming more ill. As my spirit and life had shut down, so was my body. I was in near constant pain. I stopped eating weeks earlier...as I often vomited what I had tried to eat...often mixed with the red signs of blood. My weight was falling ever faster. By the end of the course, I had shed nearly 40 pounds in 1 month....I felt so weak, so tired. I struggled to complete the courses, to complete the training, to slog through the remainder of what had been the most excruciating experience I would ever know. It was so very hard...my heart ached.....my body hurt. The shaking and tremors became worse. I was beaten down by the empire...sliding into my own oblivion. I could not understand what I had done that warranted the punishment that was raining down upon me. I wanted it to end....but fate would not let me loose of its' terrible jaws......its' thirst for my blood and soul never quenched. And so the torment continued.....unabated. Through all of this...did the empire show one shred of humanity....mercy....or decency? I was the chattel of the wheat...expendable.

But there were but a few instances of care and concern by several of the instructors and my classmates. I remember one day after a class....just 2 weeks before graduation...I was approached by my favorite instuctor, Billie Moxley. She asked me if she could talk to me about "Anna".....to which I responded....yes! In that, she had stated that "Anna's" children had writtten her letters and sent gifts. She wanted to know if I could give her the names of her 2 chidren, so that she may return the favor. It then hit me the hardest.....for I did not know their names.......and my failure seemed complete. She seemed surprised by my response....and then stated....."I thought that you and "Anna" were"...........and then she trailed off; as she realized that something was wrong. I saw a look of sadness come across her face. At that....she apologized to me and walked away...her head bowed low. I stood there for several minutes....contemplating what just happened. My body in shock, my mind in a fog. I had felt so alone at that very moment in time. The minutes alone soon stretched into an hour.....2 hours.....3 hours....as I wandered about the campus alone, in search of some answer that would not come. Ultimately.....the tears came and sorrow was mine again. Time marched on.

The last 2 weeks of training were the hardest yet. It should have been a great time of joy....as the fruits of our success were soon to be realized. But there was no celebration from within our class. Everyone knew what was going on....most had their opinions.....one way or the other.
It was a solemn time...a time of sadness......a time of hurt....of quiet reflection. I wondered if I would ever make it to the end.....as my health continued to fail. Time and again I sought help at the clinic...all I received were pills and potions to ease the pain to my body.....but nothing to comfort my wounded soul and broken heart. I could only imgagine the pain that "Anna" was feeling, for I would see her at times........alone and depressed. My tortured body and soul could not take much more of this. I was losing control of what little faculties I had left. Prohibited from even looking at her...I had to get in the briefest of glances.....but it took no doctor, no therapist, no expert...to know what pain she was in. And time marched on. I had turned to the only other crutch I could find to ease the pain I was in.......something that would surpress the feelings, the sadness, the hurt and the desolation of exile.......booze.

I would have thought that I had seen enough suffering, felt enough pain, saw too many tears.....but fate was still not satisfied. It demanded more sacrifice...... yet more blood, sweat and tears. It had prepared one final night of misgiving.... as if to throw that final dagger in my heart. It was a night like no other. A hell made to order for me.....to ensure my downfall, my desolation, my exile. To strip what was left of my dignity, humanity and love. To foil forever my dreams, ambitions and goals. Weakened for weeks without strength, purpose or value......I was no match for fates final plan.

To be continued....................

MY SOUL OF THE MOON-Chapter 6

How could it be that things could have gone so badly.....in so little time? So bad as to bring such suffering to those involved? I just couldn't understand what was going on. The atmosphere was as poison, the air as thick as deadly gas. For each soul had tried to cope in their own way....but it did not seem to matter. As the anger built up.....the tears still fell, and any act of forgiveness was lost on all. I don't know what kept me from violating the directives that the empire had chained me with? Perhaps it was the years of my military service....which kept me under their yoke. But for whatever reason, my silence was not worth the pain that "Anna" and her friend suffered. Not even close! But when you are 3,000 miles from home, alone and confined to a training center of the State.....service to the realm was demanded.

And so it went on...day after agonizing day....week after agonizing week. Hell could have been no worse than the pain I was experiencing....the sorrow I felt....the empathy I absorbed...and the love that once was. As if to show me a vision of my future.... fate had even allowed me to watch from afar.... my home city of Los Angeles burning in violence during the riots. Watching while martial law was declared...while troops patrolled the streets...while my co-workers and friends were locked down at the airport, while my neighborhood burned.....and like my current tribulations, there was nothing I could do. The feeling of helplessness was overwhelming. What more could go wrong?..... I asked of the heavens, as my life crumbled, my love was lost, my career in question and my hometown burned in anger! My answer was not long in coming.

The desolation was nearly complete....but not quite...for fate had not yet emptied its' Pandora's box upon me. There was more to come in the little time that remained.

So poisoned was atmosphere that existed within our circle of players; that even my rival was, at times, being spurned by my "Anna". He had tasted the the bitter agony of rejection...and on occasion...would shed a tear. Why was he being spurned...I really did not know...other than it was probably due to me. Deep inside, I believe her love of me persisted...causing a conflict that could not be resolved. And time marched on. I had slid further into depression and solitude...not wanting to cause any other person more pain than I already had. I became as a hermit...rarely venturing out except to attend training and classes.....always fearful of the might of the empire. The terrible retribution that would befall me if I failed again.........and with my rivals own problems.......another enemy to be wary of.

Days passed as time was frozen . The burden was great; yet somehow I still managed to pass the courses, still made the grades, fired the weapons....drove the cars... and simulated the arrests. How I did it, I don't know. But in the end, it was all for naught. As I had closed in on the ending of the training, with only weeks to go, it seemed as if there would be an ending to all the suffering and pain that had endured for months. That perhaps my wounded heart and soul could start to heal. That perhaps I could ask forgiveness of "Anna" and her friend for the pain that I had caused. That perhaps God had finally decided to step in and release us all from the chains of torment that had been our prison these many weeks. However, as I had said....fate was not quite done, as I was soon to find out!

To be continued................

PATIENCE PLEASE.....IT IS GOING TO TAKE TIME.

I have had several readers write and email wanting to know why it is I am taking so long with this story....as they are filled with anticipation. I have to offer my apologies for this, but it is extremely difficult to write about these things. It is a story I have never told before....and the pain of such limits me to only short sections at a time. Thank you for your understanding!

MY SOUL OF THE MOON-Chapter 5

I thought that I had reached the limit of what a human soul could endure......what pain a heart could hold. But again, I was required to experience a pain like no other. An emotional torture that I thought no man could endure. So it was for weeks without end. A litany of disasters that brought me to the brink....and as I teetered on the edge of the precipice, so deep and cold......the flame of my spirit was dying.....flickering to the frigid winds that came from below. It was my most desperate time, yet no comfort could I find.

Barred from the person of my affection by those that ruled....I became a shell of a man.....each step could spell doom, each look could be my last. It truly was a prison now. I was confined to my room, not unlike a cell.....not by bars of steel.... but by fear. I had no way of knowing who could be watching my every move...as those words from the director echoed through my mind. I dared not look at her, talk to her, touch her, comfort her .....as fear ruled my life. I became withdrawn as depression had set in. I went to great pains to avoid her gaze and presence...mindful of the commands I must obey. It was such torture and pain... for I so wanted to be there...to ease her burden, to share her fears and comfort her soul.

The repercussions of this earth bound hell would test the soul of any person. We were no exceptions. For what followed in the weeks ahead I can only describe as a lake of fire...made for torment, torture, pain and anguish. As I became more distant and withdrawn...the more it effected "Anna" and her friend. As each day passed, I witnessed from afar...the devastation I had wrought. There was so much pain, hurt and frustration. Seeing what had been weeks earlier, the happiest days of my life, fail so completely as to empty what was left in my soul. I cursed the empire for what they had done to us by erecting my wall of exile.

But by far, I can remember no sadder time, than to see "Anna" and her friend cry. Their tears would fall in class, for the whole world to see. Damn that bastard director to hell! How dare he be the cause of so much sorrow! It was all I could do to maintain my sanity. Each day was new depth of horror....a new level of pain. I was in shock..I could not control the shaking within my body. How she must have felt and hurt as I was forced to rebuff her looks and hide my head within my arms in shame. My heart broken....my laughter gone....I was forced to show obedience to the empire I now despised! Death could not come soon enough for me....as I would have rather died than see another tear fall from her pained face. I have never felt so much pain and guilt! My tears were plenty and sorrow without depth...as I begged God to reach down and put a stop to this. But yet, the days dragged on in a perpetual cycle of hell.

As if this were not enough pain....my rival knew of my weakness, my prison, as the empire held me hostage. As a person of comfort to my "Anna", he had managed to subvert her thought in her own state of weakness. And so it was that I had lost the love of my life. And for many days thereafter....there was no light...only darkness. Too many times did I hear "Anna's" frustration in the room next door. The anger, the crying, the shouting....as I had cried myself to tortured sleep, with an occasional uttering of an anguished wail from my pursed lips. Damn those fucking academy bastards! Damn them all to hell! As the conditions continued to descend into the bowels of hell...I had to do something, anything. I begged for a room change....to no avail. They had no problem moving another student to a townhouse room for religious undergarments; nor was I offered counseling, therapy, or other help for myself. I doubt for "Anna" and her roomate either. I was told to "buck it up". Damn those bastards!

If you think I have hit bottom yet...you would be wrong....as fate had even more sorrow in store for myself, "Anna", and in a twist of irony, my rival.

To be continued..........