Dear Alma...Please Forgive Me.

Yes Alma...this message is specifically for you. This is the only way I can get my word to you it seems. I don't have the courage to contact you directly. I guess I am a coward. But you already know that. I don't know about you...but the last 13+ years have been a terrible nightmare for me. For over 10 years I would have never even thought it would have been possible to attempt contacting you. But then last February, I mustered the courage just to send a short letter and that picture I drew of you back in 1992. I assume you got it...since it was not returned. It took all of my strength just to do that. For the last 13 years...since we left Glynco...I have lived in fear of the government...as they have persecuted me incessantly since then. You may have wondered why I did not even make an attempt to see how you were doing. That is why. The last thing I wanted to do is cause you more grief and supply the DOJ with more ammunition to hang me. I was caught between 2 worlds...my love for you...and my fear of government persecution. If you have read my January archives...then you already know some of the dirty tactics they have used to discredit and destroy me. If you have not read it...please do...as it will explain much of what I was going through. What I am still going through.

Why am I only now making this attempt at reconcilation to you? Well...I decided to let the cards fall where they may...I am tired of running in fear. My life isn't getting any shorter...and I would have never been able to live with myself had I at least not tried to mend the deep rift between us. Although you may never be able to forgive me...at least when I stand at the door of heaven and ask for entrance...I can say I owned up to my greatest mistake. I can say I tried to ask forgiveness of the one I loved...even as I have forgiven her. I take full blame and responsibility for all of the terrible things that happened at that cursed academy. It is my fate to be punished for all the sorrow and pain you had to endure. I can no longer live with the guilt and remorse of what happened so many years ago. It wrecked my life...my career...my happiness...my love. I have never been able to recover from that trauma...though I have tried.

I have only these sincere words to carry me through the daily rigors I am chained with. I have only your memories...your smile...your voice...your eyes...to carry me forward in this life. I still love you as I did 13 years ago. I will always love you...no matter what may happen to us in the future. You know this to be true. To suffer so long in silence is not unlike living a death sentence. I ask little from this world...merely to be happy...to be free...to love. Is that such a difficult request to fulfill? I walk a long, dark and solitary road. Condemned for the rest of my days for loving you. I only ask one thing of you Alma...your forgiveness for what I had done back then. If only you could find it in your heart...if only the walls of hate could melt just a little...if only you could remember me before things fell apart. It would make my life so much happier knowing that you could remember me as the kind and sensitive soul I am...not as the incarnate of evil the government would want you to believe. I can never apologise to you enough for the mistakes I made...for the anger you felt...or the tears you shed. I am deeply sorry for making you suffer so much emotionally. I never meant to bring pain to anyone...I just lost control of my emotions...and you bore the brunt of the reprecussions. I am so very, very sorry Alma. Please forgive me of my transgressions.

With Everlasting Love
Tony

To FLETC Class 10PI-207, IOBTC 126 a General Apology.

This message is a general message for everyone in general who I attended class with at the FLETC in 1992. Specifically...if you were in FLETC Class 10PI-207, IOBTC 126...this is for you...exclusively. I want to deeply apologize to all for my unprofessional and disgraceful conduct during the course of the training. I did not want, nor desire, to put anyone through the pain and suffering a few of us were experiencing. I was an idiot for allowing myself to fall in love with a
classmate...and it affected my performance and behavior. As you probably surmised...I am a very sensitive person...a very artistic person...and a very emotional person. I allowed my feelings to overlap with official functions...and it was so uncomfortable for all of you. What happened back then...I would have never wished on anyone...and I mean anyone. I have had to live with so much guilt and remorse all of these years...I doubt I can ever be happy again. I know that the accusations were flying...but I blame no-one. I have never blamed anyone but myself. Not Alma, not Lance, not Eloisa...just me. I know that many of you never really knew what was going on exactly...or why I was acting so oddly. If you are curious...you can read the story I wrote about how it changed me and maybe it will offer some insight to something that affected everyone in some way. Check out my January 2005 archives on this blog. Starting with the 1st of 3 volumes titled My Soul of the Moon...then The Thief of Dreams...followed by the Decade of Sorrow. I am warning you that it is written from the depths of my artistic soul...but it is a story I needed to tell. I hope that you can at least understand what went wrong...what I screwed up...and why it affected me so harshly.

I again offer the deepest apologies to everyone in my class. I never meant for any troubles to happen. I was looking forward to a long and great career...of course that has been over for years.
Feel free to leave comments if you like. I feel just a little better knowing I tried to make some amends...even at this late date. Thank you for listening to me and may God bless.

Damn...Labor Day is Over Already!

What a fast summer it was. It slipped by as quickly and as quietly as an owl would on a hot summer night. It just seemed like Memorial day was a week ago. I lose track of time so easily anymore. What did I do this summer anyway? Pretty much...nothing. Wasted 3 whole months away. It seems that all I have to show for this summer is a whole lot of fretting over TSA troubles...financial troubles...and lest we forget...heartache troubles. What a happy life I have had. NOT!

Of course...unofficial fall had to start off with a bang. My alma mater...Boise State Univeristy...got slaughtered in football yesterday againt the Georgia bulldogs. 48 to 13...aaaaaugh! It was enough to make me pull my hair out. 6 turnovers in a game against someone like national powerhouse Georgia...guarantees failure. I now have to put up with a whole week of ridicule from my Oregon State Beaver loving cousins...who we have to play this Saturday. God I hope we can get it together enough to beat them...or I'll never live it down.

And the good times just keep on rolling......LOL.