Dear Alma...Please Forgive Me.

Yes Alma...this message is specifically for you. This is the only way I can get my word to you it seems. I don't have the courage to contact you directly. I guess I am a coward. But you already know that. I don't know about you...but the last 13+ years have been a terrible nightmare for me. For over 10 years I would have never even thought it would have been possible to attempt contacting you. But then last February, I mustered the courage just to send a short letter and that picture I drew of you back in 1992. I assume you got it...since it was not returned. It took all of my strength just to do that. For the last 13 years...since we left Glynco...I have lived in fear of the government...as they have persecuted me incessantly since then. You may have wondered why I did not even make an attempt to see how you were doing. That is why. The last thing I wanted to do is cause you more grief and supply the DOJ with more ammunition to hang me. I was caught between 2 worlds...my love for you...and my fear of government persecution. If you have read my January archives...then you already know some of the dirty tactics they have used to discredit and destroy me. If you have not read it...please do...as it will explain much of what I was going through. What I am still going through.

Why am I only now making this attempt at reconcilation to you? Well...I decided to let the cards fall where they may...I am tired of running in fear. My life isn't getting any shorter...and I would have never been able to live with myself had I at least not tried to mend the deep rift between us. Although you may never be able to forgive me...at least when I stand at the door of heaven and ask for entrance...I can say I owned up to my greatest mistake. I can say I tried to ask forgiveness of the one I loved...even as I have forgiven her. I take full blame and responsibility for all of the terrible things that happened at that cursed academy. It is my fate to be punished for all the sorrow and pain you had to endure. I can no longer live with the guilt and remorse of what happened so many years ago. It wrecked my life...my career...my happiness...my love. I have never been able to recover from that trauma...though I have tried.

I have only these sincere words to carry me through the daily rigors I am chained with. I have only your memories...your smile...your voice...your eyes...to carry me forward in this life. I still love you as I did 13 years ago. I will always love you...no matter what may happen to us in the future. You know this to be true. To suffer so long in silence is not unlike living a death sentence. I ask little from this world...merely to be happy...to be free...to love. Is that such a difficult request to fulfill? I walk a long, dark and solitary road. Condemned for the rest of my days for loving you. I only ask one thing of you Alma...your forgiveness for what I had done back then. If only you could find it in your heart...if only the walls of hate could melt just a little...if only you could remember me before things fell apart. It would make my life so much happier knowing that you could remember me as the kind and sensitive soul I am...not as the incarnate of evil the government would want you to believe. I can never apologise to you enough for the mistakes I made...for the anger you felt...or the tears you shed. I am deeply sorry for making you suffer so much emotionally. I never meant to bring pain to anyone...I just lost control of my emotions...and you bore the brunt of the reprecussions. I am so very, very sorry Alma. Please forgive me of my transgressions.

With Everlasting Love
Tony