Disappointment

That is what I call it. There are no gaurantees in this old world. No...not one. I am saddened by some small bit of information I just received. After a little internet sleuthing...I discovered that Eloisa...the best friend of the girl I still yearn for...was no longer married to her husband. Things happen I guess...I just pray that what had happened to me...to us...did not effect her marriage. I hold enough guilt already over all this to last thousand lifetimes. I would not like to think that the trauma she suffered altered her relationship with her husband. But...it is always possible. I know for a fact that both she and Alma harbored tons of guilt over what occurred 13 years ago. What do I have to do to absolve myself of the sins I committed? I know not the answer to that.

The angels prayer I ran into yesterday...with the request of Eloisa asking for guidance for both she and her husband...now seems to make some sense. Too bad for me that I didn't see that request when it was posted back in 1999. Could I have made any impact for a troubled marriage? Who knows...but the winds of belief and prayer can move mountains.

So the story goes on. The ramifications of those fateful days so long ago...weigh heavily upon my beaten brow. At times...my reflections crush what little spirit remains. I want to extend the hand of forgiveness...to Eloisa...to Alma...but my purgatory has yet to be paid. There will be no peace...no comfort...no happiness...or no love for this troubled soul. 13 years of tortured hell and counting. Why do I even bother to go on....sometimes I just don't know. One day is like another...a blur into oblivion. Disappointment...a daily occurrance from an oblivious world.
If I were to die tomorrow...would anyone care? I suppose the worms would care...but I would rather not nourish them just yet. Whatever purpose God has for me seems yet to be fulfilled.
So I wait and take the punishment that rains down upon me. I bear a burden that is so heavy...so lonely...I could almost lie down forever. 13 years of unmitigated warfare at the hands of an oppressive state can do that to a person. My will has been broken...my spirit crushed...my dreams and hopes stolen...and worst of all...my soulmate forever banished from my sight.

Disappointment indeed.......