Down in the Dumps for Valentines Day

The last few days...maybe a week...I have been rather down in the dumps. It has been an effort to maintain my disposition of feigned cheerfulness. I spoke to a former supervisor of mine last week; whom I worked with in the INS 14 years ago. He caught me up on what was going on around my old port. Most of the people I knew and worked with are gone now. Transfered, retired, quit...or just disappeared. The last vestiges of that life are slipping away. Unfortunate too...was the word of another death.

A classmate of mine of whom I attended the Immigration Officers Academy with back in 1992...had died several years ago of a massive heart attack. They told him he needed a heart bypass...but he refused to let them do the operation. One week later he was dead. His name was Faatali Niko...and he was a very nice person. We studied together at times at the academy...usually to prepare for tests. He was still quite young...far too young to die. Had he let them do the bypass...he would likely still be here today. Why he refused? No one knows...he was married and had children. Maybe it was something related to his Samoan heritage. I guess we will never know now.

Now it is approaching February...once again. With this month comes Valentines day. Romance for some...hell for others. It was almost a year ago I had tried to apologize to Alma. It was then...after 13 years...I sent her a letter asking for her forgiveness. It was then that I had sent her a portrait I had done of her back in 1992. It was then that I stated that my love for her held just as true. Nary a word have I heard since. Did she even get it? I just don't know. I wish she would answer...even if it was to exclaim how much she hated and despised me now. It would hurt...but I would know. You would think it would be easy to accept my fate on this...but it has not. It is very difficult...the most most difficult thing I believe I have ever done. I have been unable to find another love like hers' in the last 14 years. Nor have I even dated in that time.
That is the power she carries over my life. A mighty warrior...felled by such a timid creature as she. I tremble as a leaf in the wind under her shadow. Though I may lose precious memories to time...those of her do not fade...nor wane as the years pass.

So it is that I walk this life...alone and lonely. Without her the darkness seems boundless...the air stale...and the breath...cold. Valentines Day...romance for some...hell for others.

Sigh............

The "hackers" have been busy.

Another virus attack as the hackers continue their assault on my hard working computer. This time it was the W32/Rbot worm. This little beauty is a backdoor worm...designed to let the hacker have access to your computer! With this worm installed...the WinSys loads the virus definitions each time at bootup. It is used through the IRC. The hacker than can gain access to yur passwords, certain files and other proprietary information. Although most antiviral programs list the threat risk as low, it can be difficult to discover.

I mean...do you really want some stranger looking at your passwords...or dowloading sensitive information? I have been using the Microsoft Beta OneCare suite the last few days and it discovered the worm and placed it in quarantine. It was not able to repair the infected file however...so I will have to deal with that later.

It does make me wonder though...just who is trying to gain access to my computer? Oh sure...it could just be some vile hacker trying to steal passwords and account information. But...what if it is some nefarious government agency trying to get a peek of what I have. Just think of all of the flap recently over the Patriot Act, wiretapping and evesdropping on US citizens. I haven't exactly been a friend of the government the 14 years. Who is to know where these things are originating from? This is one thing that antiviral programs can't tell you yet...at least specifically.

Meanwhile...I'll just get ready for the next attack....and hope my software will stop it.

Monday...Oh Monday!

Hmm...another dreary Monday in the rat race of life. Is it not the same each long week? Trudging off to the salt mines...or...is it to an office cubicle. The pointy haired boss...dimwitted beyond belief...gains acces to executive priviledge. We...the woker bees...gain acess to an early death. But off we go...driven by an automated sense of duty...lest we be branded some sort of malcontent. Are we any better off than the real bees who slave for the queen until their dying days?

As much as it pains most...we are little more than the insects we often ridicule. We run the routine to provide shelter and security to the local colony...though on a much more restricted scale. We do as we are told...do we not? How often each day must we obey the colony masters? The boss at work...that's a given. How about back at the "nest". Surely the spouse insists on obedience. Then there is the supercolony...the government...and the legions of cells below it. All have their own rules...which must be followed without question. You want to build a what? You want to own what? You want to sell what? You want to drive? And the list goes on and on...in an endless stuggle for the bargaining rights to our individuality. We must gain permission from the colony for each action we seek. Failing to recognize the omnipotence of the colony brings dire consequences.

For it is in this country that the irony is the greatest. Since birth...have we not heard such words...you are free to do whatever you want...to become whatever you desire...to succeed as much as you wish? Is this really the truth? I think not. Let's face it...for each successful position, job, office, post, excutive, etc....there are many thousands that are not eligible. That old adage...you can be president if you want. How? During one's lifetime there may be what...10 presidents...give or take a few. In a country of 300 million people...only 10 souls may occupy the office. Not good odds are they? The lotto would have been better. Now...narrow that 300 million down to only those born in this country, than narrow it down more to those with college degrees, filter out the poor, nonwhites, women, party affiliation and other factors....and we end up with a very few who could even be president in their lifetimes. No matter how badly they wanted to be. The same criteria apply to just about any other position of power and wealth...tweak the filters a bit and there you have it.

You see it all the time in commercial business....corporate america...public service and elected office. Criteria that is solidly structured to ensure that only a few of the many will ever be able to advance. So here we are...the vast majority...slugging our way through Monday after Monday...to ensure the wealth, happiness and control of the colony masters.

But we have an advantage over the insects of the world. We occasionally use our brains...and when we have had enough control...we sometimes...just sometimes...remake the colony. Meanwhile I...like the rest of you worker bees out there... allow the hive to survive...because of the honey we bring. Honey tainted by the blood, sweat and tears of you and I.

Man...aren't Mondays great!

Look in your soul for what is true.

Late it is...this night of chill.
Nothing more...can I now feel.

Alone...the way my path doth seek.
And speaks of things...I dare not speak.

Searching the truth for what I know.
Wasting time in winters' snow.

My eyes are tired...my senses dim.
Long since retired...I should have been.

What keeps my mind alive thus far?
I know not the answer...from my emotional scar.

Indeed...I think unto myself.
Long the years...bereavement felt.

Far...the soul that I have sought.
Lost in times past...but not forgot.

And so it is as each night passes.
My dreams return...in most peculiar fashions.

It drives me on without much concern.
The nights last longer...at each passing turn.

Things once good...have turned asunder.
And like times of old...makes my mind wander.

Days and months and years I wasted.
Lamenting monents...I've never tasted.

I think of all the things we might have missed.
Like morning dew...and the oceans' mist.

What have I done...this wrath be mine?
I carry evermore...with the burden of time.

To what I seek...of whom I feel.
I speak to you...as I bow and kneel.

Know this now and evermore.
As each night passes through my doors.

I cannot stop these dreams of mine.
As your soul and mine...did once combine.

So has it lasted...these fourteen years.
Of whom I shed these painful tears.

The door is shut...so it shall remain.
Your image fades...but not the pain.

So here I am...alone this cold night.
Staring out...upon bleak city lights.

Wishing in my heart of dreams.
A last chance yet...to be redeemed.

Look to your soul for what is true.
And you will know...I still love you.