Thursday, June 02, 2005

Well, Today is the Day!

Yes...it is the day I remember the most. Thirteen years ago on this day...I stood before instructors, class and visitors as I attended my graduation from the FLETC in Georgia. Thirteen years ago this day...I last saw the girl I will always love...as we looked into each others eyes for the last time. Thirteen years ago today was a day that will live in infamy for the rest of my days. I remember it as clear as the day it really happened. So vivid and fresh are the memories...that even if all else fails...they will remain forever bonded.

Time is but a small impediment to the eternal light of love which has bound my soul. All else I have lost is insignificant compared to losing her forever. Nothing can compare to that. I exist only as would an animal in nature...as the prediliction of instinct demands self preservation.
Her life now is but a mystery...as is my own. That has been the consequences of my actions for which payment has not yet been made. I fear that it will never be paid in full. The bed I lie in is full of thorns...like unto roses that smell of ambrosia...but wound as does the claws of a cat.

So it has been for thirteen years. Exiled within my own country...my state...my home...and myself. Tortured with visions of dispair for the human condition that I know all too well. I remain defiant unto the lords I must bow...the masters of deception, corruption and malice.
Alas...unto this day shall I find no peace...no sanctuary...no forgiveness...nor any hope of salvation. Condemned to walk the world alone...in the shadows of what should have been.
Like so many others before me...I eat fruit from the bowl of wrath that I unwittingly prepared.
My name is whispered in the winds of contempt that I have fanned. The truth that has been borne upon my soul...weighs with great agony...things that only now do I understand. Too late to resurrect distant memories of the past. Too late to teach me the wisdom of the ages that would have salvaged my life. Too late to revive a love that now only burns in the heart of one.

Alone I entered this world...and alone I shall leave it. For if it my destiny to walk the path of solitude and failure...so it should be my fate. Sigh........

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

The first day of June

So I am at the computer once again...surfing the web ever so silently. Now that Memorial Day is over...it seems as though summer has finally arrived. Though it is weeks away from the official start. I was just downloading forms from the California Bureau of Security and Inveatigative Services. I may have enough education and experience to take the test for my Private Investigators license. Believe it or not...California requires that PI applicants have 6,000 hours experience or relative training to be issued a PI license. I know a seasoned PI that is going to help me try and get it. It would be nice to have some source of back-up work available if need be.

Well...tomorrow is the 13th anniversary of my graduation from the FLETC and the last time I saw Alma. It sure seems like a long time ago...in a galaxy far, far away. In fact...it has been. It will have been 13 years now since my life went to hell in a handbasket. The crapper...the shitter...the skids...well you get the drift. Where would I have been now if fate had not failed my career and life? Most likely I would have been a CPB Officer for the Department of Homeland Security...at a minimum. I would have likely been raking in 70 grand + per year as a GS 11 or GS 12. Maybe even higher. Instead...I am living in a dump in a crappy suburb of LA and so far this year...I think I made a whopping...zero! That's right...nada...zip...zilch. If it were not for Ebay...I would have been digging moldy rotten food out of dumpsters and garbage cans long ago. Well, Ebay and a few relatives. Of course...selling off all of my personal posessions to stay off the streets is not exactly what I would call "progressing". I am walking on a knife's edge as it is...thousands of dollars in debt...months behind in rent. Wow...what more do you want? God I love America! Home of the brave (you got to be in this economy) and land of the free (free to wallow in the streets destitute and broken).

Meanwhile the fatcats get ever fatter. Just yesterday a report came out in the LA Times that showed that the top business execs were getting raises/bonuses of an average of 20% per year, yet the actual workers were averaging less than 6%. F*cking bastards anyway. Hell...an illegal alien who manages a local Pizza Hut I know is bringing in over 40 grand a year. What a load of crap! Meanwhile...how many of our veterans...lifelong citizens and taxpayers...are begging for coins and scrounging for scraps in garbage cans? I don't know about anywhere else...but there are plenty in LA...and even right here in Long Beach. Of course most are too screwed up now to ever hold a real job...either due mental problems...booze...or drugs. Most probably all 3.

Meanwhile we continue our worship of celebrities and the wealthy. Just look at what American Idol has done.
More people are worried over poor Paula Abdul or Simon Cowle...don't forget Oprah...than they are over the real problems effecting this country. Oh boo hoo hoo for our poor misguded, but very rich, celebrities and executives! If I am not mistaken...worshipping false idols goes against the grains of most of the major religions of the world. But isn't that just what seems to be happeneing here? Poor Kobe and Shaq. Poor Phil Jackson. It just goes on and on. What a load of crap! I have just about had it. I am so sick and tired of how our media, popular culture and politicians divert attention away from the biggest problems we face. Oh what about the children and the schools...is all we hear. Where are we going to get the money to pay for them...simple...tax, tax, tax. Raise fees and increase costs. Hey idiots in control out there...how about starting with the basics...like enforcing the laws and not giving millions of illegal aliens free education, free medical care, and subsidised housing. Or how about not hiring them illegally and paying them slave wages and then keeping the tidy profits that never get passed down to the consumer. Duh!

It is high time for the Minute Men to be called upon once again. It worked in 1776...it can work today. The ghost of King George III lives again...and it is called Congress, Corporate America and Hollywood. We could really use that time machine about now...everyone in the present time has lost their courage to the status quo...and the power elite. No heroes do we have as in the days of old. No Washingtons...no Jeffersons...no Lincolns to save our collective souls.

The greatest country in the world indeed...it all depends on your perspective...doesn't it? For those who hold the power...the wealth and the control...it most certainly is the greatest country. But for many of the worker bees that drone on...the gap widens and the middle class is slowly eliminated...perhaps "greatest country" is a bit of an overstatement. I guess the future will tell. The future indeed!

Tuesday, May 31, 2005

The Last Day of May

So here it is the last day of May. I am sitting at my computer here at my cousin's office. I was just on the phone with the TSA Office of Civil Rights...again...trying to find out why it has taken 6 months to finalize my separation and get my pay for my annual leave and TSP. I still have not even gotten my SF-50 yet. The lady I spoke to tried to get me to use Alternative Dispute Resolution. I told her I would consider it.

The usual delays and crapola. Same old...same old. This stuff is just never going to end. To top it off...my landlady comes back from Poland today...and she will be on the warpath. We don't call her the "Queen of Krakow" for nothing. I guess it doesn't help being several thousand dollars behind in rent. Thank you Uncle Sam once again. My destitution continues.

Some great last day of May huh? And to think...just 2 more days to go that I attended the IOBTC graduation ceremony...13 years ago that is. It was also the last time I saw Alma...for whom my love has never waned.

Sigh.........

Monday, May 30, 2005

Memorial Day 2005

So here I sit at my cousin's place getting ready for BBQ tri-tips. It is now 6:15pm. I was very surprised when I had an old round radio which sold on ebay for 90 bucks. Not bad...when you I picked it up for free. I bought an old Crosley 515 radio for $35 and will use it to repair another one I have. Between the 2...I hope to get a good one to sell on ebay. The old crosley radios were made in 1932.

Now that I am waitng for dinner...I am wondering what Alma is having for today's dinner. I am sure it is good. I can't believe I still love her as much as I do...but I do. I sure hope she has a great Memorial Day! Just think...in just a few days from now...it would have been the last time I saw her "13 years ago" that is. Sigh....love stinks.

To her...I send my best wishes.