Disappointment

That is what I call it. There are no gaurantees in this old world. No...not one. I am saddened by some small bit of information I just received. After a little internet sleuthing...I discovered that Eloisa...the best friend of the girl I still yearn for...was no longer married to her husband. Things happen I guess...I just pray that what had happened to me...to us...did not effect her marriage. I hold enough guilt already over all this to last thousand lifetimes. I would not like to think that the trauma she suffered altered her relationship with her husband. But...it is always possible. I know for a fact that both she and Alma harbored tons of guilt over what occurred 13 years ago. What do I have to do to absolve myself of the sins I committed? I know not the answer to that.

The angels prayer I ran into yesterday...with the request of Eloisa asking for guidance for both she and her husband...now seems to make some sense. Too bad for me that I didn't see that request when it was posted back in 1999. Could I have made any impact for a troubled marriage? Who knows...but the winds of belief and prayer can move mountains.

So the story goes on. The ramifications of those fateful days so long ago...weigh heavily upon my beaten brow. At times...my reflections crush what little spirit remains. I want to extend the hand of forgiveness...to Eloisa...to Alma...but my purgatory has yet to be paid. There will be no peace...no comfort...no happiness...or no love for this troubled soul. 13 years of tortured hell and counting. Why do I even bother to go on....sometimes I just don't know. One day is like another...a blur into oblivion. Disappointment...a daily occurrance from an oblivious world.
If I were to die tomorrow...would anyone care? I suppose the worms would care...but I would rather not nourish them just yet. Whatever purpose God has for me seems yet to be fulfilled.
So I wait and take the punishment that rains down upon me. I bear a burden that is so heavy...so lonely...I could almost lie down forever. 13 years of unmitigated warfare at the hands of an oppressive state can do that to a person. My will has been broken...my spirit crushed...my dreams and hopes stolen...and worst of all...my soulmate forever banished from my sight.

Disappointment indeed.......

Ham Radio Licenses and Angel Prayers

Here is an offbeat story which just goes to show...it is a small world after all. Just today I was seeking to renew my expired HAM radio license I have had for years. I have renewed it several times in the past. Usually they are good for about 10 years. I had mine since 1981, when I was assigned to work at a MARS (military affiliate radio station) station in Guam. My civilian call sign was WH2ADK. It was unique because it was assigned to Guam. When I left the military, I kept the same ham sign where ever I went. I had a technician class license and never bothered to upgrade to general, advanced or extra class.

Rather then try and renew via the FCC, as I had done in the past...I was told I could do the same thing for 8 bucks on the QRT website. I checked it out and it looked easy enough. I tried to find my callsign...and it was not there. It seems it had already been released for reallocation. I called and was told I would have to apply to the FCC directly to get it reissued...perhaps as a vanity callsign. Anyway, as I was checking out the soon to be expired call signs...hoping to find mine...I ran across the callsign of KB7WXH. It was set to expire as it had not been renewed. What I found so shocking was that it belonged to a person I once knew...a woman who was the roommate and friend of a girl I had/still hold a flame for back at the FLTEC academy many years ago. Her name was Eloisa...and it was definately her...same city in Arizona. I had no idea that she too was a radio amateur operator. Just seeing her name...brought forth many memories...both of her and of Alma. I still feel so guilty, remorseful and sad for what these 2 fine people had to go through in that hellhole. I still hurt when I think of how I screwed things up so much...or how I lost her friendship and Alma's love.

Perhaps you know what it is like to see, hear or talk to someone you cared deeply about...but had been estranged for over a decade? Time for me is just a vivid...the hurt just as real...the tears just as sorrowful.

But as odd as this was...there was one more thing. Curious to see if any more information about this kindred ham was in cyberspace...I googled her name...as last I knew it. There was but one entry for her...and it was from 1999. It was a website dedicated to angel prayers. Many people had used this site...to ask for angel prayers for themselves or for others. In 1999 she had entered one request to have an angel prayer answered for her and john...citing that both needed some guidance. No explanation was there of the type of trouble they were having. It moved me greatly...and my eyes teared up at the thought of something gone wrong in her life. I don't think the website is active anymore...as the last entries were made in 2003. Even so...I replied with an angel prayer for them...so that if they were still together...their troubles would be relieved. It is likely it will never be posted on any board...but as long as it gets to the right person/angel...that is what really matters after all. I even left a request for myself...as 13 years of guilt, remorse, heartbreak and anguish...are about all I can stand. There is not a day that goes by. I remember the tears they shed...the sadness...the anger...and the hurt. Nothing in my life has hurt me as much as that time did.

Maybe someday an angel will answer for all of us.

Hurricane Katrina

I don't know about anyone else...but seeing what damage Katrina caused to the Gulf states...makes me glad I live in LA...if for no other reason than we can't get hurricanes...or blizzards. The water is too cold for hurricanes and the area is too warm for blizzards. I say an earthquake once every decade or so...is a good trade off. When you think about it...the LA area has been spared much of the natural misery that the rest of the country suffers.

New Orleans...what a mess...they might as well condemn the whole city and raze it to the ground. Proof that you should never build a city under sea level if it is by the coast. Biloxi, Mississippi is gone...I spent 3 months there in 1978 training in the Air Force. Jefferson Davis' house (The only Confederate president) gone like the wind. Too bad because it was amazing...full of unique civil war relics...now also gone.

By the way...I am sure that many people...here and abroad...noticed what racial group made up the bulk of the refugees in New Orleans. As is true in many large American cities...blacks are truly the disenfrancised and down-trodden masses. It is too bad it has to still be that way. It reminds me of the LA riots in 1992. There too it was the blacks who did most of the damage...looting....crime. More of the same disenfranchised masses...tired of government...big business...and newly arrived immigrants treating them as 3rd class citizens. Who can blame them.

I can't wait to see what this tragedy will cost the taxpayers. Between Katrina, Iraq, Afganistan and the Global War on Terror...every last penney is going to get squeezed...and hard.
I guess misery loves company. Thank God I don't have one of those big gas guzzling SUVs...suckers. My old Honda does just fine.

My sympathies to all who were effected by the hurricane...and to those whose lives were lost.

Who likes funerals?

Not me...that is for sure. Today was my cousin's fiance's funeral. Yes...I had to go...he is my first cousin after all. Not fun...they never are. When I expire...nothing fancy please. Just a trip to the crematorium...then take the ashes and feed some plants. Being realistic...no one in modern recorded history has ever been proven to return from the dead. I mean really dead...not the so called clinically dead. Once you are gone...that's it. Either way you are going to end up as plant and worm food...so I would rather feed the plants and worms sooner after death.

When someone you know dies...you can't help think about your own mortality. We all will face the same fate...it is just a matter of time and circumstance. There is one thing that is for sure...it is a journey we must all take alone. May God rest her soul.