MY SOUL OF THE MOON - Chapter 4

I really can't explain what happened, or how it happened, but my world was soon to come crashing down. Under the intoxicant of love, my mind was clouded and my reason dwindled. I had been informed by a friend of mine, "Nila", that prior to her premature departure....she had left a note at "Anna's" door....and in that note, she had informed her of my feelings toward her. I did not know what to think, what to do, or how to respond. For the next week, it seemed as if "Anna" was getting closer to me. It was then that I lost my emotional compass. I lost my reason. I unfortunately, had left "Anna" standing alone when I had become angry, when she had wanted to talk about our friendship. It was my greatest mistake. I turned my back on her and walked away, simmering in a stew of emotions, frustration and pain.....when all she wanted to do was talk. What overcame me...I don't know. I could understand she had a career, as did I. But in the grasp of such unbridled emotion, I felt as I had no control. I had never been in such a position before. I had always been in firm control of my emotions and reason....and I was frightened of my poor behavior and judgement. My emotional compass was spinning...to the detriment of all involved.

That was the beginning of my spiral down into the void of hell itself. It was as if Satan himself rained ruin upon me. No refuge could I find, no sanctuary to hide, no church to redeem my soul. Each decision I made begat ever worse consequences. No amount of love letters, poetry or art could save me from myself. As my troubles magnified themselves a thousand fold......I tried with all of my might and will to stay the course, to reign in the emotions within. No matter my actions, thoughts, images or words, I could not express to "Anna" the turmoil I was in.....the pain.....the regret. All the while...her feelings became more hurt...as she turned to her friend for comfort and support.

But I had not even come close to hitting bottom yet; for fate had more torment in store for me. I remember it with distinct clarity. The turning point of my affairs was fully shattered by the pain I was soon to receive, the day when I was summoned into the office of the director of the academy. I entered his office as a mouse would the lair of the lion. I was so afraid....my body trembled...my mind reeled....and my heart pounded. It was then that he made his appearance...a statuesque figure full of contempt and rage. He lorded over me while I shivered in fear...knowing that what was to come could only be more torment. It was then that I felt what it was like.... to be caught in a trap....waiting to devoured by whatever beast came by.

And at that, he removed from his desk.....the very instruments of communication that I had bestowed upon my love. The letters I had written, the prose that I had composed, the pictures I had drawn! The horror of that moment....knowing that strange eyes were reading what was only meant for one person, one soul and one love...was devastating. I recoiled in shock and fear. As he continued his tirade of abuse against me....and my love for "Anna"....and as if to make a final point....he slammed one of the pictures upon his desk...cursing it. His eyes were filled with a fiery rage as he condemed me to solitude.....as he banished me from the person of my affection.

Not unlike Moses on the mount, he issued the edicts that would rule me for the rest of my time at the academy, and ultimately, the rest of my life. As direct orders, to disobey them would be tantamount to treason...I was warned. The punishments for violation of such would be severe...my immediate removal....my career over....my life ruined. And so with that, he ordered me to never get near, speak to, or even look at "Anna" again. I was devasted by my exile. As he dismissed me from his clutches...he added, as I backed away...that he had eyes everywhere....as if to add that final nail to my coffin. And with those words....my banishment became a prison unto itself. A hellish nightmare I could not escape. The torment of my soul was beyond description......the pain of separation from the one I loved....surreal. Still...fate had more plans for me.....the darkest days lay ahead. To be continued........................

NEW SITE METER TEST

Just trying to get my new site meter to work.

MY SOUL OF THE MOON - Chapter 3

To whom was my heart and soul endeared? Her name was "Anna". The very name still makes my heart race, my blood pump and my soul weep. It happened all so fast. I was not expecting it, not wanting it, but, nonetheless, it happened. I was marked forever by her radiant smile, beautiful eyes and cheerful spirit. I knew without question, from the moment I saw her and our eyes first met.......that I was going to a place I could not return. My love for her was undeniable, eternal and was the most powerful emotion I had ever known. Nothing, and I mean nothing......including the death of my father, could compare to the raw emotion of love that had filled me. No bond had been so complete in my entire life. I can't explain it, nor can I explain why I could not stop it! I could only assume that the heavens opened up the doorway to my soul; to which I had no answer, no control. I was lost.....so lost....and from that moment on...my life was consumed by thoughts of "Anna". Thoughts and feelings that have not dimmed with the passage of time. I was now a prisoner of love. The strongest emotion in the human world had me caged within its' walls. There was no escape. No parole. No pardon that could free me from its' grip. I was not unlike a fly caught in the beautiful and dainty web of a garden spider. So beautiful and delicate to look at, yet stray but an inch, and all that was, would be no more.......... and in love's grasp, I could not see, nor hear what was about to come.

It was so innocent at first...playful flirting...long looks and the like. In an ironic twist of fate, it came to pass that "Anna", and her best friend had been assigned to the room next to mine. Our lives were separated by but a few inches of drywall and paint. As the days went on, the looks became longer, the emotion stronger. Yet, being the shy type, I was restrained to some extent in the beginning. At times I would catch parts of conversations between the 2 friends in which I was the topic. As it turned out, our class was split into 2 groups. At times, my training was conducted apart from the group in which "Anna" belonged. On those occassions which the 2 groups would train together, such as firearms training, there were times when I knew that the friend was giving "Anna" updates of my status. This, I thought, would bode well in my courtship. And so it went for about the first month. I remember during that time I once observed "Anna", and 2 classmates sitting at a table during a break. I approached and began to talk. "Anna" would look at me sheepishly, but did not speak. I had told the group that I had returned from fishing in a nearby river and had caught a rather large catfish. Then, to my surprise and wonder, "Anna" stated to me that she would like to go fishing with me some time. I was ecstatic and responded that as soon as the weather improved, I would take her. So far so good. I was thinking that perhaps my dream was in sight, that somehow our relationship would grow. Still I thought....all was well with the world.

I was the happiest I had been in many, many years. But fate had another plan...a secret plan....a plan that would set in motion the most unfortunate series of events I could imagine. Events that would shake the core of my world, my beliefs, my sanity.

To be continued..................

IN MEMORY OF BILLIE MOXLEY

If you are keeping up with my slowly unfolding story, then you may recognize this name. This person was my favorite instuctor when I was at the INS academy. She was classy, kind and well read. I respected her greatly. It was sad day when I was notified that she had been murdered! Apparently, unknown suspects entered her home on St. Simon Island sometime in 1994 and shot her, point blank, 4 times. She died at the scene. I was so shocked when I learned of this tragedy in 1997. To my knowledge, the suspects have never been found and the motive remains unknown. For some odd reason, I have never found any mention of her death in the media or any search engine on the internet. She does appear on the Social Security Death Index. In memory of her belated and untimely passing from this world...I give my condolences to her family and her friends....of which I like to think I was one. May she rest in peace.

MY SOUL OF THE MOON - Chapter 2

I should have known that this was not going to be just any journey. It was cold, wet and very late when I arrived at the academy. I had pushed myself 18 hours straight to make the deadline. By the time I had approached the gate, it was nearly 1:00am. By the time I was assigned a room, it was 3:00am. Class was scheduled for 7:20am. I made it, though exhausted and drained. Our instructors were introduced....one of which I really admired and liked. Her name was Billie Moxley, an articulate soul of stature and wisdom. So far so good, I thought. Though the tables were piled high with study material, books and lessons, I felt assured of my success. Little did I know or suspect of the tribulations that were about to unfold in my life.

But in the heartbeat of a man, the second of a blink, the drop of a pin......it seemed God had sent Cupid down and his aim was true. My defenses were overwhelmed, my wall was crumbling, my armour was falling to the ground. My soul was as open as any book, just ripe for the reading! I was at the mercy of whatever entity had done this to me. Cupid's arrow had struck hard, fast and deep; and though I had tried, I could not dislodge it from my chest. The shock of it sent shutters through my very soul, to my very being, to my essence. What was so easy just a day, a month, or a year past..... was now a cloudy blur. A fog enveloped my mind and beckoned my soul. It was new to me, it was strange to me and was something that had disrupted my senses. As I wondered how this human emotion could have such control over me, my mind, my reason.....a sense of peace, euphoria and acceptance had swept over me. I was resigned to embrace this sensation in the light of which it came.....on swift wings of heavenly might.

I thought I was strong enough to manage control of this gift, that I would be able balance both worlds simultaneously. And, for a time, I did. Equilibrium was achieved for the briefest of moments...and my world was at peace with itself. The first time in many years...how many...I did not know. There was no turning back from the abyss. There was no force on earth, or hell, that could undo what heaven had done. So it was the beginning of the end for me, my dreams, my ambitions; although at the time, it felt like the beginning of a new world, full of love and adventure. Full of life without care. Full of promise and hope. It was the best of times for me....a time shrouded in mystery and suspense. A time that would never be again.

In the light of the moon, in the sparkle of the stars, in the majesty of heaven...I had felt what it was to be human. I knew what set us apart from the other creatures of the world. A fleeting moment of time when I held the soul of my desire in the rapture of a union made in the mystery of antiquity. And for a fleeting moment...all was well with the world. And still I wondered...what could possibly go wrong, as the harbinger of doom nipped upon my heels.
For now, in this world, this place and this time, I was locked forever in the depth of her eyes. My consciousness was as one with hers. It was as if we could shuck the frail bodies that held our souls, as to be unencumbered in our flight to Eden.

To be continued.............

MY SOUL OF THE MOON - Chapter 1

It all seemed so perfect, how could anything possibly go wrong? Here I was, at the top of my game, moving up the federal law enforcement ladder......doing the job I loved the most. I remember when I was first hired.....my parents were so proud. No one in our family had ever been in such a position of responsibility before. I was thinking I had finally found my calling. What I was put on this earth to do. I was an officer of the realm. I carried the weight of the empire of the United States on my shoulders. How was I to know it would all blow up just a year and a half later? I had been highly anticipating selection for the service academy, to be formally certified. A grueling 4 month course of instruction heavy in immigration and naturalization law awaited me. I lobbied for months for selection. Finally, a year after my hire, my selection came through.

I was so excited. Being the adventurous soul I was, I turned down the airline flight and packed my truck for the cross-country trip from Los Angeles to that exotic spot in Georgia. A spot near the Golden Isles, St. Simon Isle and Brunswick. I was ready for anything.....fishing, touring, exploring the back woods for civil war relics. Well, I thought I was ready for anything. As it turned out though, I was proven quite wrong. I had no doubts that I would complete the course. I had no hesitation about studying, shooting firearms, driving cars, doing physical takedowns and a myriad of other tasks. My confidence was high, my mind was set, my goal was visualized. It seemed so perfect...so natural...what could possibly go wrong? And then, as have many other men throughout history, I was about to be shocked into the world of raw emotion. I was about to be inducted into the losers hall of fame. I was about to be the poster child for the idiot's guide on how "not" to conduct a relationship. The trap was set, the bait was alluring and my destiny awaited the misfortunes of love. To be continued...............

Introduction to my story "ALL THAT WAS, WOULD BE NO MORE"

This one's going to be a little dicey. If you have a penchant for love and drama stories, read on, but if not, better check out other blogs. I have buried feelings of guilt, regret and love, deep in my inner sanctum, for over 12 years (Where was that time machine then, or now?). This story involves a once promising career in the employ of the American empire; 2 female friends, a male rival..... and one overly sensitive, and foolish, nice guy.......you get all the ingredients of a classic Greek tragedy. Lastly, add an exotic location in beautiful Georgia......home to no-see-ums, chiggers, black biting flys and sticky humidity. This is my Tragedy, my Iliad, my Romeo and Juliet.....the life I have suffered all these years. This is my story of the greatest tragedy and trauma I have ever known.....and of my greatest mistakes, failures and misfortunes. This is the story of a man who flew too close to the flame of love......lost his way......and paid the price. This is a story of a humble man who fought for his redemption, salvation, forgiveness and equality from the most powerful government in the world. But in the end......forgiveness was not to be found. My sin....love....not lust, not greed, not malice......but love.

It is going to take a number of chapters to get through this story.....as this is the struggle of my life over more than 12 years. It is a saga that continues to this day. Please be patient, and I will post new chapters as I get them written. The entire story is called "ALL THAT WAS, WOULD BE NO MORE", it consists of 3 Episodes. I am calling the first Episode, "MY SOUL OF THE MOON - Guilt, Regret and Love". When you see this title on future posts....another chapter has been written. Hey, it's better than watching some fake "reality TV" show. Wouldn't you rather read about some real schmuck throwing his life away in the name of love and see the consequences of his actions. But unlike all the sugar coated Disney fairy tale endings they have.....this story has far more tragic results.

To be continued...............

Why the Time Machine?

Well, I just got done analysing what accomplishments I had to show for myself. Sadly, very little. Then I started going back over some of the more important aspects of my life and noticed that with peculiar regularity; when the sh*t hit the fan, I was always unprepared. Being a trusting, sensitive and honest type; I fell for whatever B.S. story came out of the mouths of authority figures, government types and of course, women. Boy was I a sucker. Well, after years of going to the School of Hard Knox and subjugating my body, soul, intellect and heart to beating, after humiliating beating. I had enough. Was I really that naive and stupid.....well, no more than about billion other stupid individuals. Wow, I thought.......wouldn't a time machine solve my problems? You know how 20/20 hindsight works. I could think of at least a hundred situations I could have used that time machine. Unfortunately, such machines don't really exist..do they? Well at least outside of Area 51. Since I don't have the real thing (yet), and I have an endless amount of poorly executed decisions to account for; why not harness the power of the Net to deliver my soapbox sermons. The time machine on the cheap. The world of would of, could of and should of; wrapped up in a monitor for the masses to see. The atonement of my sins, trials and tribulations. But why limit a poor schmuck like me to this confessional when I am in such good company. The world is full of regrets, anger, hatred, vengence, prejudice and broken hearts. To err is human, to forgive, divine....or so the saying goes. Well this is my forum for offering 20/20 solutions to whatever burdens the soul. Believe me, I have plenty. I am betting that you do to. Think of your past.....surely there are some skeletons there.
Which leads me back to the time machine. Sure, it didn't work out in the real world; but thanks to cyberspace, some imagination and the good old Freedom of Speech provision of the US Constitution; I can explain myself, offer apologies, seek forgiveness of those that were wronged, or unload the fury of my wrath. Feel free to unload your troubles on my blog if you would like. I feel your pain. Guilt operates 24/7. Got opinions? Who doesn't.