MY SOUL OF THE MOON - Chapter 4

I really can't explain what happened, or how it happened, but my world was soon to come crashing down. Under the intoxicant of love, my mind was clouded and my reason dwindled. I had been informed by a friend of mine, "Nila", that prior to her premature departure....she had left a note at "Anna's" door....and in that note, she had informed her of my feelings toward her. I did not know what to think, what to do, or how to respond. For the next week, it seemed as if "Anna" was getting closer to me. It was then that I lost my emotional compass. I lost my reason. I unfortunately, had left "Anna" standing alone when I had become angry, when she had wanted to talk about our friendship. It was my greatest mistake. I turned my back on her and walked away, simmering in a stew of emotions, frustration and pain.....when all she wanted to do was talk. What overcame me...I don't know. I could understand she had a career, as did I. But in the grasp of such unbridled emotion, I felt as I had no control. I had never been in such a position before. I had always been in firm control of my emotions and reason....and I was frightened of my poor behavior and judgement. My emotional compass was spinning...to the detriment of all involved.

That was the beginning of my spiral down into the void of hell itself. It was as if Satan himself rained ruin upon me. No refuge could I find, no sanctuary to hide, no church to redeem my soul. Each decision I made begat ever worse consequences. No amount of love letters, poetry or art could save me from myself. As my troubles magnified themselves a thousand fold......I tried with all of my might and will to stay the course, to reign in the emotions within. No matter my actions, thoughts, images or words, I could not express to "Anna" the turmoil I was in.....the pain.....the regret. All the while...her feelings became more hurt...as she turned to her friend for comfort and support.

But I had not even come close to hitting bottom yet; for fate had more torment in store for me. I remember it with distinct clarity. The turning point of my affairs was fully shattered by the pain I was soon to receive, the day when I was summoned into the office of the director of the academy. I entered his office as a mouse would the lair of the lion. I was so afraid....my body trembled...my mind reeled....and my heart pounded. It was then that he made his appearance...a statuesque figure full of contempt and rage. He lorded over me while I shivered in fear...knowing that what was to come could only be more torment. It was then that I felt what it was like.... to be caught in a trap....waiting to devoured by whatever beast came by.

And at that, he removed from his desk.....the very instruments of communication that I had bestowed upon my love. The letters I had written, the prose that I had composed, the pictures I had drawn! The horror of that moment....knowing that strange eyes were reading what was only meant for one person, one soul and one love...was devastating. I recoiled in shock and fear. As he continued his tirade of abuse against me....and my love for "Anna"....and as if to make a final point....he slammed one of the pictures upon his desk...cursing it. His eyes were filled with a fiery rage as he condemed me to solitude.....as he banished me from the person of my affection.

Not unlike Moses on the mount, he issued the edicts that would rule me for the rest of my time at the academy, and ultimately, the rest of my life. As direct orders, to disobey them would be tantamount to treason...I was warned. The punishments for violation of such would be severe...my immediate removal....my career over....my life ruined. And so with that, he ordered me to never get near, speak to, or even look at "Anna" again. I was devasted by my exile. As he dismissed me from his clutches...he added, as I backed away...that he had eyes everywhere....as if to add that final nail to my coffin. And with those words....my banishment became a prison unto itself. A hellish nightmare I could not escape. The torment of my soul was beyond description......the pain of separation from the one I loved....surreal. Still...fate had more plans for me.....the darkest days lay ahead. To be continued........................