Now that 2005 is history...I can concentrate on the barrage of disappointments I am likely to see in 2006. I hope that such can be averted and I do have hope of a better year. On a personal note...I hope that I can be a better person and strive for better health and prosperity. I certainly hope that my back improves...but that seems unlikely without surgery. Not likely since I don't have health insurance anymore. The VA certainly won't do it...nice to be a vet...huh? TSA screws up my back and the government hangs me out to dry. Typical...just like my INS screw job 14 years ago. Yes indeed....I am still paying for that one.
On a much more insightful note...I am still in love with her as much as I had been 14 years ago. Why? I don't know really...I guess I am just a world class sucker. Too sensitive, caring and emotional...all traits contrary to how real men are supposed to be. It is a shame that so many women profess to want these qualities in men...but in reality...they are after the "bad boys"...of whom they believe they can change. I also find it sad that so many people give up love and romance for the sake of a career. Jobs come and go...but love is a fleeting moment always remembered. Lets see...what was that she said...."I don't want to get married, I have a career". Not that I had asked her to marry me...but apparently the thought was there. This was followed by the ever popular..."can we just still be friends". That is the death knell if ever there was one. OK...I could live with that...but for 14 years there has been nothing but silence. Cold...dark...lonely...silence. My overture last February has still went unanswered.
You might be thinking that this is a cut and dried ordeal...but really it is not. For what had happened between us was not without many other players...the government being the primary antagonist. Meddling in affairs they did not belong at first...but then overextending their iron fist as time passed. Meddling past the point of no return. After they had assured that she and I were sufficiently hurt and angry...I alone was left to take the brunt of their fury. She was lucky to have been able to leave that cursed place early because of her language ability....I was not so lucky...my Spanish was not quite good enough. Like a rat with his tail caught in a trap...I knew I was to be the sacrificial dinner for the government fat cats. For the last 14 years they have been feasting on my carcass.
Still the blacklisting continues. Just last month I was notified I had been rated a 100% for a position with the DHS back east. My hopes were high that maybe after 14 years I would find some relief...they even sent me the Notice of Availability form. Alas...my hopes were soon dashed. Just a short unsigned letter in the mail...another candidate was selected...nothing more.
And so it continues...my miserable life...my spiral down. My heart still has her love trapped within its walls. As each year passes...I become a little weaker...as my life drains away. Approaching 50...it is coming too fast. That mystical time in life when "old age" seems not so distant. What do I have to show for it all? A lifetime of disappointment. Crushed dreams...an enemy of the state...and lost love. Truly a bewildering experience. There was a time when I was strong, smart, healthy and confident...but that seems so long ago now. I can hardly remember those things anymore. Sigh..................
Well...here is hoping and praying for a better and happier 2006.
