Yo recuerdo cuando......

I was told that the person of my affection was "timid" some 13 years ago...by my then rival for her heart. At the time...I was unsure exactly what he meant by "timid". I was afraid to act upon this as I was under orders from the "Chief" to not even look at her...let alone speak (See my archives from January...My Soul of the Moon). That was the first...or was it the second time...I had heard of things I did not really understand at the time. Now that I think of it...I can remember again what prompted me to ask my rival about her.

It was several days earlier...and I was still under the order of incommunicado by the high command. It happened one evening after class and I was in my room. Yes...the very next room to where she was staying. As I was laying on my bed...sinking into a depressive state...I heard a commotion through the wall of her room. I heard voices...3 of them...quite loud. It seemed as if she was upset about something. I recognized who they were...besides her...also was her roommate and my rival. There was talking... yelling...and serious discussion going on. I tried to cover my head with my pillow as it seemed she was being ridiculed by my rival...over me...and I could not bare to listen. But it was of no avail...as the words became loud. And what I remember of the words resonated like thunder in my head. It was buried deeply in my repressed memories...until most recently...when I could recount what happened. And this is what I heard.....

The Rival to her: "How can you like him for....?

She to The Rival: "I like him".

The Rival: "You can't really mean that...?

She to the Rival: "I do!".

The Rival to her: "Yes, but he loves you".

She to the Rival: "I know".

Her girlfriend then states: "Yes, he love you!".

She to her: "I know!".

After this the conversation died down and I could hear nothing...then once again it got louder as I heard her girlfriend blurt out "Well then, someone needs to talk to him". It was then that I heard my rival state "I will". Her girlfriend responded to him "you will?" He stated "yes". That was all I heard the rest of the night coming from her room. I knew I dare not violate the order that was imposed on me...so I did not approach her to see what her feelings about me were at the time.

Instead...several days later I approached my rival...with all the strength I could muster. I had asked him about her...to which he said little...other than she was "timid". That was where my inquiry about the matter ended...for shortly after this was my misfortune and expulsion (See the January archives again).

Why had I supressed these memories for so long...I do not know. To make sure it was not my imagination...I opened the case file I had been given in 1993. I had been so traumatized by the experience that I never read them again after 1994. It was very difficult to read what had transpired so long ago. I did not think I could get through it...but as I was looking through it...I found a statement I had hastenly written to the IOBTC board on June 2, 1993. In that penned statement...I recounted to the board why I had believed her feelings about me were genuine. And so I found that what I had written on that paper 13 years ago...was to be what I wrote about today. With that...my memories became complete...and the missing blanks were filled.

I guess you can call this a rather latent amendment to my story of the tragedy recounted in the January archives. It is funny how the world turns sometimes...what things we remember...forget...and remember once again. Days...months...years...decades later.
So again I am all alone and trapped in time. A prisoner of my heart...of her heart.