Sigh........Remembering a Life Lost in Time

Sigh......I was just checking out some stories online about my old job.
It was with the INS....now it is called the Customs and Border Protection....or CBP for short. Man that brought back alot of good memories. One story even had a photo of one of my classmates I was enrolled with at the Immigration Officers Academy. His name is Louis Munoz....a real nice guy. He looks older now....as it has been 13 years back. He is stationed at the Nogales port of entry. It looks so different to see him in a CBP uniform....rather than the old INS Inspector uniform I remember. I wonder if he would remember me from that time. I sure miss being in that job.....short of the military.....it was the only job I really enjoyed and would give me a sense of purpose and accomplishment.

Where in the hell did I go so wrong? How in the hell did I become such a screw up? What in the hell did God have against me anyway?
I know I am wrong to blame God, but it is just so disheartening to see where I should have been now. Words cannot really express the feelings of having your whole life yanked from under you. Not just your dream job....but the love of your life.....and your future. It is very depressing to think what could have been....and should have been. But for my very bad luck....and bad karma.....it would have been. I guess I was just never meant to have happiness, or love, or success.

I would have gladly sacrificied my career to be with the one I love, even if it was in the middle of nowhere. I would move in a second if I knew that she wanted to see me again. But to sacrifice everything I had....all of my aspirations and possessions for nothing.....that is the hardest thing of all. I cannot express the sadness that I feel most every day. I do not cherish the thought of living my remaining days as a hermit....alone....cold....bitter. But it seems that is what fate has in store for me. I am to be exiled for the rest of my life from my dreams and my love. Why am I made to shoulder such a tremendous burden? I don't understand the punishment I keep receiving. It is as if the task master takes his whip to my flesh each time I stand. The searing pain burns for days...months...years.

Broken, busted and impoverished.....I await the the culimination of the hate and malice that has been poured out against me. I await the inevitable eviction from my small abode....as the street beckons me to join the lifeless masses. Cast off from the dreams and loves they too once had. The American dream is but a figment of my mind now. A once proud warrior....veteran....officer of the realm....cast out of Eden. Banished to the far reaches of the gritty underbelly of society. I will soon grovel in the dirt as does the worm on a hot summer's eve. I will seek communion with those of my kind....the broken hearted, the impoverished, the shamed, the misfits. It seems that is to be my fate. America has no place for the likes of me.
I am a refugee.....wishing I could start life anew in another country. Somewhere where I was unknown, where my name did not breed contempt, where I was not an enemy of the state.

And so I think of what could have been....had fate not been so harsh. I think of my love....working diligently on the lonely Arizona border....wishing I could be there. I think of my classmates....and the jobs they have done...the lives they had led. I think of my own failures....and my fall from grace. I should have been making nearly 70 grand per year by now.....and what did I make last year....not counting 7 grand in unemployment......nothing! If that does not put things into perspective...then nothing will. Skid row has a resevation for me.....an RSVP stamped in gold. I would like to cancel that reservation.....if I could only get the chance. Sigh.....................