Nothing much today....just the usual lamenting and a small poem.

Today was very routine. Same old routine...each and every day. What a rut. I perform as does a robot...as does an animal of little intelligence. I follow the standard life of such a creature of this world...food...water...sleep...survival. I no longer strive to fulfill my ambitions of years past. Those being crushed under the weight of the many mistakes I have made in this life.

Why should I strive...when all I will face is determined rejection and disappointment. Why look ahead when all the joy I have had comes from the past? Why should I even concern myself with dreams long since vanquished. I will never trust another person...another official...another love. In my younger days...I was still filled with trust and concern. But no longer do these things hold sway over me.

Yes...it is fact that my love of Alma still holds true and strong...but this is the only thing burning in my soul. All else has been quenched by the corruption and stench of human betrayal.
My fight for redemption against the state has worn me down. If not for the love of her which still burns...I would have likely perished in obscurity and solitude by now. So long as I can hold the memories of what we briefly shared so long ago...I cannot lie down and die.

I wish I had the courage to call and see what she is doing...if she would forgive me...and allow me to try and bury the ghosts of the past. I mean...what can the government do to me now? After all...they have destroyed me as it is. My life...career...reputation...and love; all have been snatched from me as would a wolf in sheep's clothing have done...among the flock.

I lament what she meant to me...what she still means to me. I cannot escape her ghost from the past. I see her in my dreams...as do I think of her in my days. I stoke the fires of
guilt and regret for what deeds have caused her pain. The years pass without resolution...as we remain of separate ways and of worlds apart. Because my life was completely torn asunder by those times of tribulation...I cannot so easily forget the misfortunes of the past. When I cannot work...pay bills...find happiness and face destitution...then I think of her. What is left of my life still revolves around my deep love for her as it was in the beginning...so is it as today.

I would wish for a crystal ball...that I could know that she has forgotten me and the hurt I had caused. That I could reach out and remove any vestige of sorrow that would haunt her still. That I could make the wrong things...right. That I could relieve my soul of the burden it has carried for so long.


Oh Crystal Ball!

Oh crystal ball! Show me a vision of the future...that I may remove my sins of the past. That I may heal the heart that was broken...and dry up the tears that were cast. That I might find in her eyes some forgiveness...of love that has survived to this day. For in the light of the morning there after...let Heaven send her troubles away.